The Elephant in the Room
In dealing with a child of any age that has issues, unrest is naturally caused in the home. Just like with a mobile, when one piece is out of whack the entire family is unbalanced as well. Torn by not wanting to worry the other siblings and not wanting to embarrass the child with the issues, parents often tip toe around the subject of why their child is not functioning at a normal level for his or her age.
Sometimes the parents themselves are reticent to admit to themselves or to each other that there is a problem. When they are able to acknowledge the issue, they must then consider where the dysfunction came from, whether it is related to environment or genetics (nature vs nurture) and what it says about them as parents.
If both parents are present as caretakers, they must be on the same page in order to handle it properly – as we know, this is hard enough with general parenting. When it comes to a dysfunctional child, emotions are high and shaming and blaming can come into the picture and make matters even worse.
So many kids today are faced with issues that prevent them from functioning as needed, such as depression, anxiety, addictions, eating disorders and learning disabilities. These issues can affect everything from succeeding in school, completing bagruyot (matriculations), holding down a job, maintaining healthy relationships, controlling their temper, handling money, getting organized, eating healthy, communicating appropriately, acting with respect toward others and their property, and maintaining house and social rules. These challenges in themselves undermine our child’s self esteem.
Add to that our frustration over not being able to get our kids to “get themselves together” and you have an explosive situation. Now add siblings to the mix and the family mobile is totally unbalanced; we often find ourselves putting so much attention into assisting the dysfunctional youth that we often lack the time, energy and ability to notice the affect all of this has on the other kids and even on ourselves.
There is a famous saying, “secrets keep a family sick”. Yes, our kids have a right to their privacy as do we, however they need to know that if there are issues affecting them and the family around them, nothing can be resolved if issues are kept secret. Hiding problems from the rest of the family and others involved with our kids cause problems to fester and grow. Worse than this is pretending that the problem is a secret when everyone is already well aware of it.
The expression “elephant in the living room” describes the pathology of acting as if everything is okay when the dysfunction is as evident as an elephant that nobody wants to admit is there. Serious issues affecting members of the family must be spoken about openly, so the entire family can understand how to react to their family member in a way that will help them and the family to function as best it can. It also shows our kids that their issues are not something to be embarrassed about or something that can’t be resolved.
Sometimes by not being candid with the other children, siblings may fantasize that the situation is even worse than it truly is, causing even more anxiety and discomfort in the home. Rarely is there a problem that can’t be dealt with in some way, if it is spoken about openly and with acceptance from all involved. Parents need to share with each other and the other siblings the challenges their dysfunctional kids are going through and what their limitations are. The siblings need to know that these challenges do not make their sibling bad, they just have issues that need to be dealt with in a consistent and open way. This is the best message to give the dysfunctional child as well.
Kids are more perceptive then we make them out to be. They notice when there is something abnormal going on. When the family is off-kilter due to a dysfunctional child and the issue is neither talked about nor dealt with, siblings often find themselves questioning their own sense of reality. This can make them start to doubt themselves and their perception of what is normal or okay. Whether or not the family issue actually gets dealt with and how, our kids first need to know that we see them too, and that they are not “crazy”. Once the elephant is identified, the issues can start to be dealt with. As we all know, identifying the problem is half of the cure.
Once the problem is out in the open, siblings need to know how to deal with the dysfunctional child and the situations that can and will arise. On the one hand they tend to be sympathetic to their sister or brother and quite often enable them in various ways. Problematic siblings often don’t pull their weight in the household, and the other siblings feel compelled to pick up the slack. They don’t want their sister or brother to think they don’t care about them and are confused as how to handle their dysfunction.
The healthy sibling is often torn between wanting to help their sister or brother, “tough-loving” them by saying no, or telling their parents about the situation. Their unhealthy sibling may ask them for money, to keep secrets, to do things for them that they feel uncomfortable doing, and so on. It is a terrible burden on the siblings to have to set boundaries that do not enable the dysfunction, in a way that their brother or sister understands that it is out of love and concern. It is up to us as parents to identify the “elephant” and be proactive before these situations arise, and to give the surrounding siblings the tools they need to respond in a healthy and appropriate way for all involved.
For their own part, parents often find themselves making excuses as to why they need to say no, which in itself is challenging. Our child asks us for money and we don’t want to say “no, it’s not good for me to give you money, because I know you will spend it unwisely” or “no, you need to be working and being more independent,” when in truth that is what they need to hear.
Finally, it is not uncommon for dysfunctional children, teens or young adults to convince themselves that they are actually functioning much more normally than they are. It is up to us to be honest with our kids about their general health and daily functioning. By covering up for our dysfunctional teen or young adult we are postponing their recovery. Once the “elephant” is revealed the healing can begin!
Tracey Shipley is an addiction counselor counseling teens, young adults and parents. She is also the founder of the Sobar alcohol-free live music center project for teens and young adults. jerusalemcounseling@gmail.com, www.jerusalemteencounseling.net
The Sobar Bands preparing for our fundraiser on April 27th
The Sobar Bands rehearsing for our fundraiser on April 27th.
The Sobar’s First Fundraiser on April 27th at Blaze Bar Jerusalem
On April 27th at 9:00pm the Sobar will be holding it’s first fundraising event. It will take place at Blaze Bar. Special guest, Sean Hurvitz, lead guitarist for Smash Mouth. 30 shekel donation. All donations above 100 shekels tax deductible.
Passover and Getting Our Inner Houses in Order
With Passover upon us and all of the time and energy we are spending on getting rid of our Hametz it’s the perfect time to look at other ways we can get our homes in order. The idea of Hametz relating to not only food products but the excess in our lives allows us to view our yearly cleaning in a whole new light. All year long we add more and more people and things into our lives. We are often nondiscriminate in our choices and simply allow the clutter to take over. Just like the bread in the oven we allow ourselves to inflate our egos and possessions not to mention relationships with those who actually hinder as opposed to enhance our growth. Matza represents getting down to basics. Figuring out what you really need in your life to be happy, healthy and effective.
Stephen Covey’s well known book “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” speaks about many important issues. Covey’s habits begin with Be Proactive. Next Begin with the end in mind, put first things first, think win-win, understand first in order to be understood, be effective as opposed to efficient (Synergize) and finally Sharpen the Saw (constantly renew yourself).
His first few habits focus on the importance of delayed gratification. The most effective people are the ones who eat the cake first and the icing at the end. As in the marshmallow experiment, children who were offered 2 marshmallows if they waited 10 minutes to eat them were found years later to be more successful than the children who opted to get just one marshmallow and eat it right away. We all know that something gained quickly is usually lost quickly. Our last article focused on the ADD/ADHD child. As we discussed, kids and adults with ADD/ADHD tend to need immediate gratification. We can assist our kids in learning how to postpone their gratification by helping them to maintain a schedule that gets the challenging activities completed first so they can learn the value of postponing their gratification.
The key tools to assisting our kids to succeed in the present and in the future are organization and preparation. Most kids feel secure when they have a set schedule. Kids benefit most when they come home from school and just like at school they have a routine. A typical schedule contains everything our kids need to live a truly fulfilled life. The components include: physical exercise, healthy snacks and meals, creative outlets, completing tasks for school, home chores and good rest. As Covey sites, save the icing for last! When kids know that once they complete their homework and chores the fun begins, chances are they will be motivated to getting those over with. Include your kids in creating their schedule. A typical schedule will look something like this: come home from school; eat a healthy snack; sit and do homework; complete household chores; spend 30 minutes exercising either in the house or outside; time for play/computer/TV. Passive play such as computer and TV should be limited. Over an hour and a half is excessive. It’s amazing what creative things kids come up with when the tube or computer is on the blink.
By now its dinner time. For years in the US there was a PSA on TV encouraging families to eat a family meal at least twice a week. What happens when everyone sits down together at the table? Of course this differs from family to family but one thing is for sure, if cell phones are off, there is face-to- face interactions. Kids have the chance to share about their day or week and parents have a chance to listen. After dinner everyone clears and cleans their plate and then a good practice is to have the kids prepare their lunch for the next day. Finally, prepare everything else needed for the next day of school and then free time till bed. Bed time should be regulated with kids of every age. At least 7 hours of sleep is recommended for everyone, kids in particular. Some kids need more time to fall asleep. These kids need to be in bed earlier to allow for their bodies to “chill out” enough for sleep. As we mentioned in our sleep article, computer and phone use before bed are stimulants and can affect their ability to fall asleep.
Continuing in the mode of preparation and organization is the practice of Weekly Family Meetings. These family meetings at a scheduled time can circumvent reoccurring issues. Each member of the family is asked to make a list during the week of all the issues they wish to deal with and they are all brought up at the weekly meeting. Notes should be taken so that the solutions are remembered clearly.
The next tool is a Chore Chart. As we discussed in previous articles, setting up a clear chore chart for everyone in the family also creates a sense of calm and control in the home. Everyone knows what is expected of them and as important as the chores themselves is the rewards and consequences for following or not following them. The natural consequence for missing a chore is for an additional one to be added. In reference to rewards, they can be as simple as an extra 15 minutes before bedtime, extra time on TV or computer or special time with mom or dad. One effective addition is Most Improved Helper of the Week. Once a week each kid is evaluated and the one who has made the most efforts and improved the most gets a special privilege. Even choosing his favorite meal for Friday night dinner or family meal night can be enough for him to feel acknowledged. Acknowledging our kids is as helpful for us as it is for them. It is easy to lose perspective on our kids. When we make sure to balance every complaint about our them with two positive affirmations not only do they feel about themselves as a valuable member of the household, we do as well.
Enabling vs disabling. How does this fit into the picture? Often we find ourselves doing for our kids things that they can easily do for themselves. Classic for Jewish mothers, wanting to baby and spoil our kids, this often gives them the wrong impressions. Covey speaks about a paradigm shift. Altering the way we view things and gives an extreme example in his book. We want our kids to feel empowered. By us encouraging and even insisting that they take on daily tasks for themselves we are saying that we believe in them. From a young age kids can make their own lunches for school. It is up to us to make sure that there is healthy food in the house and even help them to get organized but soon they can handle this on their own. We have encountered older teens who still expect mom to pack their lunches. Sometimes parents feel that their teens are so in their own world unable to connect with the Mothership and making them lunches, cleaning their rooms, doing their laundry, searching for books and materials they need for school, etc. is a way to show we care. Truth is, quality time with our kids is what makes them feel cared for and cared about. Empower your kids and don’t wait for the army to do it for you. By then it may be too late.
Coping With ADD/ADHD
Coping With ADD/ADHD
“ADD/ADHD is called a ‘disorder’ for a reason…it ‘dis-orders’ things in one’s life…”
– Dr. Gabor Mate
Do you know people who always seem to be looking for chaos? They are consistently late, disorganized and stressed. Does it seem as though if they don’t find the chaos they are looking for that they actually create it? Does this sound like one of your teens or even you?
According to the excellent treatment of this topic in “Driven to Distraction” by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey, this tendency is a basic feature of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD/ADHD). In their ground-breaking book, Hallowell and Ratey discuss the troubling issues associated with this syndrome, including a vast range of symptoms such as underperformance at school, difficulties in developing and maintaining relationships, impulsive behaviors, short tempers, difficulty completing tasks and various other problematic behaviors.
Contrary to popular belief, ADD is not just about performance in school. It is about life skills and lifestyle in its totality. As these and other prominent writers in the field point out, ADD can even have a direct influence on high-risk behavioral tendencies such as substance abuse and other forms of acting out. As we already know, teens in general sometimes have a natural inclination towards impulsive or risky behaviors, so adding ADD to the mix can be especially lethal. As parents, it is essential that we familiarize ourselves with the issue.
Over the last decades, more and more cases of children, teens and adults have been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD. The former, Attention Deficit Disorder, emphasizes difficulty in focusing and completing tasks. This could be typified by a quiet child who is spacey or dreamy. The latter, Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, is associated with our more usual stereotype of an ADD child who bounces off walls, fidgets and has trouble sitting still.
Of course, both subsets exist on a continuum. So while teens with extreme cases of the disorder are usually clearly identifiable, those with more minor symptoms may escape diagnosis. ADD/ADHD manifests itself in difficulty focusing in school and after-school activities, as well as problems with taking responsibility at home. Their rooms are a mess and their lives are disorganized; their thoughts tend to wander and race in all directions, making it hard to focus and follow through.
These characteristics can interfere with our kids’ motivation to move forward with the basic tasks of everyday life. They may have trouble following rules and frequently find themselves in trouble, or they become the class clown – trying to deflect attention away from their inability to function like other students.
Over the years, many such kids have been wrongly placed in Slow Learning Disability (SLD) classes due to a teacher’s inability to get them to behave in class. This stigma together with the affects of ADD/ADHD often sets these teens up for failure, increasingly affecting every aspect of their lives. The constant criticism these behaviors precipitate in us as parents and teachers causes these children to grow up feeling like failures and has a profound effect on their self-esteem – an essential theme which permeates all of our columns (see “The Importance of Building Self Esteem in our Children” at http://www.jerusalemteencounseling.net/article_08.html).
There are various opinions on the root causes of ADD, but as Dr. Gabor Mate, author of “Scattered: How Attention Deficit Disorder Originates and What You Can Do About It,” points out, it’s not only about genetics. Even though biology is an important element, Mate believes that these disorders are also acquired through challenging social and emotional environments. This means that as parents we can have a significant impact on how the condition manifests itself.
Mate uses a metaphor to describe this process: When a tree in a forest is overshadowed by bigger stronger trees, it gets neither the space nor the sunlight it needs to develop to its full potential. How often do we observe siblings from the same household who experience their childhoods very differently? What can we do as parents to channel a child’s differentness more effectively? Mate encourages us to shift our paradigm. Though these kids can be challenging, we have to find a way to avoid losing our patience with them while trying to help them overcome these challenges.
Most importantly, we must realize that kids with ADD/ADHD tend to be especially sensitive children. This sensitive nature can cause them to suffer and struggle more than other kids. On the other hand, with the right guidance, these kids can become the artists, musicians, inventors, and CEOs of the next generation. This is where we as parents can make the difference. Will their ADD/ADHD become an impossible obstacle, or something that we can help them to channel and even to celebrate. It’s all about attitude.
The issue of when to consider medical treatment for these syndromes is becoming increasingly controversial. The rates of diagnosis and drug treatment of ADD in children and teens has vastly increased in recent years. Many professionals argue that too many very young children are being over medicated for a litany of reasons including societal pressures to keep our kids in order and on task and the pressures of Big Pharma. This is a highly complicated issue that would require a lengthy discussion of its own. There is no doubt that stimulant medications such as Ritalin, Adderall and Concerta can have a profound effect on assisting youngsters and adults to focus and concentrate. And for teens who do not respond well to stimulant meds, non-stimulants such as Strattera or tricyclic can also be helpful. But as Mate and others emphasize, while medication is sometimes necessary, it is not the only way to go. Long term use of these medications have their own drawbacks. So parents are required to undertake research and consultations with due diligence. As with most cognitive and emotional issues, medications alone never resolve problems without adjunct therapeutic strategies.
Another important issue is finding the right school and mentor, as your child’s educational environment occupies a bulk of his day. Alternative schools can provide a flexible environment which fosters creativity and differentness. Whereas not every kid is capable of succeeding at a school like the Jerusalem Democratic School (http://jerusalemsudbury.com/) – where each student creates his own agenda and schedule with minimal basic requirements – in many cases creative kids find inspiration in alternative educational settings. The Experimental Schools (Batei Sefer Nisuiim) were created years ago based on the philosophy of principal Dr. Ganit Weinstein, who succeeded in creating an atmosphere conducive for learning for students in a low socio-economic area in Bat Yam. The school had open pod classrooms, hallways with couches, beanbags, colorfully painted walls, plants and soothing music. Each kid was treated as an individual and the results were astounding. In a school like Weinstein’s, kids who are different can thrive.
In addition to the points we have cited it’s crucial to also examine the effects of diet, especially with regard to sugar and caffeine intake and the importance of regular physical exercise.
See the resources below for more important information:
“Scattered” by Gabor Mate
(http://www.amazon.com/Scattered-Attention-Deficit-Disorder-Originates/dp/0452279631)
“Driven To Distraction” by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey
(http://www.amazon.com/Driven-Distraction-Revised-Recognizing-Attention/dp/0307743152)
“The Highly Sensitive Person” by Elaine Aron
“Education Reform: Making Education Work for All Children“ (http://www.adva.org/uploaded/edu-eng-2011-2.pdf)
“Best Books About ADD and ADHD” (http://www.goodreads.com/list/show/794.Best_books_about_ADD_and_ADHD)
http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/guide/adhd-medical-treatment
Tracey Shipley is an addiction counselor counseling teens, young adults and parents. She is also the founder of the Sobar alcohol free live music bar for teens and young adults. jerusalemteencounseling@gmail.com. http://teencounseling.netai.net.
Dr. Judith Posner is a social scientist, writer and researcher. judep@netvision.net.il
Toughloving our Kids
Toughloving Our Kids
“Toughlove”, the famous phrase first coined by Bill Milliken in his book Tough Love in 1968, is an expression used when someone treats another person firmly with the intent to help them to curtail negative behaviors. When raising kids, this tool is invaluable.
Your son comes home at 5 in the morning, spends the rest of the day in bed, won’t get up for school or work. Your daughter is out all night long, refuses to answer her phone, lies about staying at friends and comes home the next morning. Your son walks in with alcohol on his breath, denying that he was drinking, pushes past you and crashes till late the next day. Your daughter gets ready to leave the house and you notice her dressed in a way that will attract much attention while she walks down the street. You tell her to change her clothes and she refuses slamming the door as she walks right past you. Your son comes home looking stoned and reeking like pot. You try to talk to him and he answers aggressively. You notice money missing from your wallet and no one had access to it but your son. You approach him and he denies it angrily and storms out of the house. What do you do?
Unfortunately, these stories are not out of a book or a movie. They are very real and more parents than not have dealt with similar situations in the past or are still dealing with them. Most of us are able to give our kids the upbringing that we believe would allow our kids to flourish. We openly show affection toward them. We notice when they achieve meaningful goals. We encourage open communication and assure them that they can always turn to us. We show them that we love them unconditionally. So what happened?
So many factors are involved in the way our kids grow up and the choices they make. It is actually a combination of nature vs. nurture. Some kids require very little intervention and simply know what’s best for them. Some kids need to be watched like a hawk and still “fall into” or should we say “jump into” dangerous situations. Through the years we have seen the most creative and intelligent of kids make the poorest decisions. It boggles our mind how they can have so much going for them yet be so willing to throw it away at the opportunity to walk on the edge and play with fire. Many of these kids have been diagnosed with ADHD which accounts for some of the “playing with fire” choices. More on that in our next article. But this is only part of the issue if it is connected at all.
Where the need or desire to endanger themselves actually comes from can be explained in many ways and of course is different with each kid. But besides making sure that we are doing all of the things mentioned above to assure our child that he is loved and respected, we must “toughlove” our kids.
As we have mentioned before, our kids need breaks on their cars. They need us to say No and to be consistent so that they know the rules way ahead of time. That doesn’t mean that they will always observe the rules but at least they know what the alternative is should they choose not to follow them. Kids may “act out” for many reasons. The classic reason for “acting out” is to get our attention. How often have we seen a family with a sickly child or a child who excels in everything and the other sibling starts to “act out”? When this child begins to disobey his parents and stops playing by the rules suddenly all of the attention is focused on him. Another syndrome is kids with a lack of self esteem who go out of their way to prove their theory right about themselves as being worthless and mess-ups. Self full filling prophesy if you may.
So now down to brass tacks. What do we do to tough love our kids in an effective and respectable way.
Here are some important tools:
Communication. “Honey, I see you going out of your way to get my attention. Is there anything going on that you would like to share?” “If you don’t feel comfortable sharing with me is there someone else you feel safe sharing with? How can I help facilitate you being able to share your feelings with this person?” As we have shared in our previous columns, communicate with I messages. “I feel scared when you come home late and I don’t know where you are. I wish you would call me and let me know that you are safe and when I can expect you home.”
Contracts: Establishing set rules with your kids about when their curfew is, where they are allowed to stay over if not coming home, what needs to be done before they go out, who they are allowed to hang out with if there are friends you do not trust, what will the result be of coming home past curfew, what is expected of them if they are running late, what other accountabilities are there for failing to answer their phones, doing poorly at school, not doing their chores, etc.
Rewards: It is easy for us to catch our kids doing bad as we have mentioned in previous columns. Not only should we catch them doing good, we should establish positive rewards for their special efforts to do the right thing. What special privileges do they earn for sticking to the contract and making special efforts?
Alone time with you: Don’t wait for problems to set in before giving attention to your kids. As we mentioned above, they vie for our attention and often feel like they have to “act out” to get it. Before it all begins, designate a time each week where you hang out together. The earlier you establish this the better. Already when they are tweens at the age of 10 they are in need of that special alone time with you if not even earlier. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure as we all know. Why not apply it with our kids and enjoy it. Initiate this weekly special time before you need to spend it in a principal’s office or worse. The more time we spend alone with our kids the more we get to know them and what they need from us. We are then more apt to notice when there is something wrong and we can more effectively nip it in the bud.
Consistency: Kids need to know we are serious. No means no and yes means yes. Don’t change your mind. It makes kids feel insecure. Let them know from the start there is no bargaining. But at the same time don’t be quick to say no. For every No try to give a few Yeses. Let them feel that you truly want to make them happy and accommodate them and that when you do say No its for their benefit, not yours.
The Family Team: Make sure everyone in the family is on board. When you come up with rules make sure that your partner/husband/wife is in agreement. Kids love to pit one parent against another. This is never a good thing. Let them know that you are both on the same page. Also with other kids in the house. Make sure that everyone knows the rules and understands they are for the well being of the family as a whole.
Good references:
Tough Love by Bill Milliken: http://www.amazon.com/Toughlove-Phyllis-York/dp/0553267833/ref=pd_sim_sbs_b_1?ie=UTF8&refRID=06JD6FGCAP8CWDV59V3R#reader_0553267833
Tough Love articles:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/8348938.stm
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/4939586/The-ultimate-betrayal-or-just-tough-love.html
Drugs, Alcohol and the Sobar
Drugs, Alcohol and the Sobar
We received several interesting responses to our recent substance abuse column (“Ignorance Is Never Bliss,” June 6). One in particular stands out because it raises some excellent questions that we think will be of interest to other readers.
Dear Judith and Tracey,
Your article about substance abuse in the Post was particularly relevant because I just had a discussion with my adult children (25 and 26) about marijuana use. They insist that marijuana is not as dangerous as made out to be (and should be legal), but more importantly, that they can take it responsibly without abusing it. Similar to alcohol, not everyone who drinks a beer once in a while becomes alcoholic. The idea is substance ABUSE. In fact, they claim that alcohol is much worse than marijuana because there are more fatalities and brain damage from alcohol. Here is a link they forwarded:
http://archive.saferchoice.org/content/view/24/53/
I should add that my children are university educated and highly successful adults who would take a marijuana snack once in a while just to “feel good.” They are not introverted, ostracized or obsessive.
My questions are the following:
1) Is marijuana addictive or poisonous to the system?
2) Can a person take marijuana reliably and responsibly like a glass of wine in the evening?
3) Is there scientific proof that marijuana use is bad and should be avoided at all costs?
Here is our response and further elaboration:
Your adult kids are basically correct. And they sound very responsible. Good for all of you that you are discussing the topic together and reading articles on line.
The idea that cannabis is less harmful than alcohol is also gaining more and more support from the establishment. Furthermore, most people who do lighter drugs DO NOT go on to heavier ones such as cocaine or heroin. In other words, the so called “gateway theory” about substance abuse has also been delegitimized.
Most people who try cannabis have also tried cigarettes and/or alcohol first, but we seldom hear anyone refer to beer or tobacco as a gateway drug. More importantly, there is no substantive research proving permanent brain damage from moderate cannabis use.
Finally, cannabis is not technically addictive, i.e., there is no physiological withdrawal. Coffee is known to be more addictive as anyone who goes cold turkey off caffeine will tell you. It precipitates edginess and irritability and headaches.
Similarly, more and more research indicates that cannabis is less harmful to the lungs than cigarette tobacco. Here is a link to research on this issue: http://blog.norml.org/2014/06/23/study-habitual-marijuana-smoking-not-associated-with-increased-risk-of-lung-cancer/
However, the question of cannabis use by adolescents up until the age of 21 and its effect on the brain is still controversial, because the younger brain is not fully formed. Furthermore, substance abuse can affect the ability to make safe choices while under the influence, whether it involves driving a car, a bike or just crossing the street. Teens have a tendency to believe that they are omnipotent and that nothing can happen to them. The introduction of an altered state substance to this tendency can be a recipe for disaster. All the more reason why drug education, information and family communication is mandatory!
It is also critically important to know why our kids are using substances. In Overeaters Anonymous there is an expression “It’s not what you eat, it’s what’s eating you.” The same applies to drug and alcohol abuse. If our kids are using mood altering chemicals as self-medication or to escape the stress of everyday life, it could indicate that there is a deeper issue that should be addressed.
If they are using because they are anxious, depressed or bored, they are more likely to develop an unhealthy/abusive connection to substances over time and could become drug dependent, even if they aren’t technically addicted. And in a few cases, even occasional use of substances can actually trigger a psychotic or schizophrenic tendency that has been previously latent. The trouble is that you can’t know this until after the fact.
Certainly, if a young teen is already diagnosed with a psychological problem, exposure to drugs and alcohol could be a risky business. There are definitely kids who can use drugs and alcohol on occasion with no negative effect on their daily lives. Not everyone is built to be an addict, but we need to be aware and proactive in educating ourselves about these issues, and be aware of the fact that even the most unlikely teen is likely to be exposed to drugs and alcohol at some point.
In light of the latter, it may be surprising to learn that cannabis and other substances such as ecstasy and LSD are being used in therapeutic settings, including here in Israel, to treat a wide range of serious psychiatric conditions including PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). But such treatments are only geared towards adults and are only undertaken in specific settings with highly trained professionals in the context of specific protocols. This is definitely not the same as a teen self-medicating on his own.
Which leads us back to the topic of what messages we want to relay to our kids. If our kids see us drinking responsibly, not excessively, this can serve as good role modeling. It’s also important to let our kids know that they don’t need to use drugs or alcohol to have a good time. Kids today are exposed to increasing peer and media pressure about drink and drugs. They are looking for more and more external stimulation. As we mentioned in our previous column, kids want “action.” They have a natural, inbuilt need to get their endorphins flowing. So how can we help them? Here’s an alternative:
SOBAR
The Sobar is an alcohol-free live music bar. With summer break upon us and plenty of visitors from abroad, there will be even larger nighttime gatherings of kids in downtown Jerusalem. Where can they go? Some manage to get into the bars illegally. Some buy bottles of booze and drink in the park and other public venues. Some gather at the numerous drop-in centers for kids around the city, but ultimately hit the streets.
Currently, there is a new collaboration with the Off the Wall Comedy Basement which hosts a weekly live, non-alcoholic music event featuring groups of local teen and young adult musicians. Kids are invited to perform with their bands, sing and play at the Open Mic, jam with friends or just come to enjoy the music and hang out.
The Sobar is looking to spread the word, recruit new talent and audiences. So far it has been a great success and we want to encourage the Jerusalem community to help support this pilot program and make it a permanent part of the teen scene. So please contact Tracey at sobarjerusalem@gmail.com if you or your kids want more information or want to get involved. Teens and young adults can join our Facebook page Sobar Jerusalem.
Tracey Shipley is an addiction counselor counseling teens, young adults and parents. She is also the founder of the Sobar alcohol-free live music bar for teens and young adults. Traceyshipley125@gmail.com.
Dr. Judith Posner is a social scientist, writer and researcher. judep@netvision.net.il
Attachment vs Enmeshment
Attachment vs. Enmeshment: The Other Side of the Coin
There is a popular expression about the parent-child relationship: “You are only as happy as your unhappiest child.” Is this true? And if it is true, is it a good thing? In other words, does it reflect a healthy relationship?
Our previous two columns focused on parental responsibility and the importance of good communication and proactive parenting – what we call healthy parental attachment. This column explores the other side of the coin; namely, what happens when parents are overly involved in their children’s lives? What are the implications for parents who exert too much control over their kids because they are over-identified with them and do not have healthy boundaries?
One of our greatest challenges as parents is to know what not to do for our children. In short, when we should back off. It is our nature as parents to want to jump in and catch our kids when they fall. But one of the wisest things we can do for our kids is to let them jump off the virtual balcony of the first floor and allow them to feel the pain of hitting the ground. If we are always there to catch them, they become a little bolder each time, and climb higher. By the time they reach the eighth floor, no net that we can provide will be strong enough to catch them.
The term enmeshment has been widely used in family therapy literature since the 1970’s. Salvador Minuchin introduced this concept to refer to families in which personal boundaries were so undifferentiated that a child could ultimately suffer to an extreme. Minuchin was the oldest child of Russian-Jewish immigrants, raised in a small Jewish community in rural Argentina. For a time, he also worked in Israel, where he established residential communities for mentally disturbed children. He spent most of his career in the States where he still resides.
While his original training was psychoanalytic in nature, he, like others of his generation, became increasingly interested in the family as a social system. He founded the discipline called Structural Family Therapy (SFT) which emphasizes the importance of working with the entire family when treating a problematic child.
Enmeshment, then, refers to families that exhibit signs of smothering, over-sharing and caring that reach beyond normal concern. Actually, it refers to any relationship in which personal boundaries are violated, unclear or dysfunctional. It can apply to couples, siblings, co-workers or friends. In enmeshed relationships there is a lack of clarity about where one person begins and the other ends. While enmeshment can sometimes look like intimacy or love due to the intensity of the attachment, it is actually the opposite. It is a form of engulfment and control which is disrespectful to others. Enmeshment between parent and child has the capacity to be as abusive as neglect. It diminishes the child’s sense of self and can annihilate their autonomy.
An enmeshed parent can be defined by the following criteria:
1. The parent is too identified with a child’s successes or failures. We are all familiar with the case of the soccer mom or dad who is overly invested in a child’s sports wins, or parents who force their children into artistic activities against their wishes. When a parent’s sense of self-worth is dependent on the performance of a child, we can know that something is terribly wrong. The same applies when children feel that their self-worth is wholly dependent upon their parent’s approval. In this case, children are raised to be “human doings” as opposed to “human beings.”
2. Parents put all of their energy into their child at the expense of looking after themselves. This principle is aptly illustrated in emergency airline regulations, which require you to put on your own oxygen mask before preparing your child. It is crucial for parents to have interests and a social life outside of the family unit. If they don’t, they are more likely to be overprotective, suffocating and intrusive. They will also be poor role models.
3. One of the most difficult features of healthy parenting is cultivating the ability to separate from your child’s pain. As early childhood experiences reveal, when a toddler falls and hurts himself, it is never helpful for a parent to get hysterical. Similarly, overreacting to troubling emotional issues in later years can be counterproductive and intensify the child’s lack of confidence. So here’s the rub: We want to be empathetic and show concern, but we do not want to react to our child’s pain as though it’s the end of the world. When we overprotect our kids by taking too much responsibility for their day-to-day lives, whether it be how they dress or their choice of friends, we are interfering with their sense of agency. This gives them the message that they are incapable of taking care of themselves. The healthy alternative is to be responsible to them, but not for them; meaning we should encourage discussion about options and provide them with tools of discernment that will enable them to make healthy choices. Then comes the hard part – sit back and let go.
Another challenging area for many parents is their desire for approval and acceptance by their children. Vying to be our kid’s friend shows an inappropriate understanding of respect and equality. The reality is that our kids have plenty of friends, but only one or two parents. They don’t need more friends; they need guidance from an adult. If it doesn’t come from us they will look for it elsewhere.
Parents who look for validation in their relationship with their kids and are too insecure to make demands are simply not doing their job. Of course, it is a scary thing to lose our kids’ approval, but we must always keep in mind the following cliché: “Sometimes you have to love your kid enough to let him hate you.” It is the risk we take to keep our kids safe.
Finally, enmeshed parents are frequently and inappropriately intrusive. This can occur on a physical as well as a psychological level. Not respecting the need for body modesty or entering a teen’s room without knocking is disrespectful. It gives kids the message that they do not exist as a separate physical entity.
There are a number of excellent videos on YouTube on the work of Salvador Minuchin. A wonderful essay about him and his work is available on-line at Psychotherapy Networker (psychotherapynetworker.org), called “Maestro in Consulting Room.”
Ignorance is Never Bliss
Ignorance is Never Bliss
Substance abuse, which includes prescription medicine, street drugs and alcohol is an important issue pertaining to the parenting of our children, regardless of age or social background. It is a risk pervading our society, and we need to be proactive in educating ourselves about the subject, kids and parents alike.
In many ways, drug education today is reminiscent of sex education decades ago. If kids don’t get the information at home, in the classroom or from another reliable source they will learn about it on the street. Such “disinformation” is extraordinarily dangerous, even life-threatening. It is our responsibility as parents to find out the real facts concerning so-called “recreational substances” and to share that information with each other and our children. What we don’t know CAN and WILL hurt us!
We understand that teens and young adults are subject to incredible pressures, perhaps more so than in previous generations. It is therefore especially important for us to be aware of the social influences in their lives. Obviously, the social and pop media play a huge part in their exposure to risky behaviors. While it is easy to blame the media for many of our societal ills, such as cyberspace bullying and other harmful phenomena, it is also important to acknowledge the important function of the Internet and mass media as a potential educational resource.
This is definitely true for the topic of substance abuse. The information is there, but it is often controversial, contradictory and confusing. It sometimes requires work and open-mindedness to separate fact from fiction. Horror stories and chat rooms are not sufficient. Drug education should be reliable, informative and non-alarmist, especially if we want to be taken seriously by our children.
The first thing we need to acknowledge is that drugs are not what they used to be. They are stronger, more diverse and more accessible. They are also more affordable. As has been the trend for decades, cannabis and alcohol are the teen’s top drugs of choice. This is well known. But when was the last time anyone checked on the non-illicit medications in their medicine cabinet?
In the US, for example, Sudafed, a common cold medication, had to be taken off the shelves and monitored due to its frequent use as a stimulant or in the making of Chrystal Methamphetamine, a drug that has hit the U.S. by storm.
Of course, alcohol, the drug of choice for adults, is the most readily available drug and it is usually the first mood-altering substance that kids experience. Here in Israel, two cheap and highly accessible drugs go by the names of Hagigat and Mr. Nice Guy. They are both synthetic drugs made and sold locally. In the past they were completely legal and could be purchased at kiosks. Today they are no longer legally sold in stores, but you can still see signs on street corners and graffiti on walls with contact phone numbers.
These drugs are both mild hallucinogens and may precipitate psychotic effects. Ecstasy, the infamous party drug, is a stimulant which is mostly used in clubs or large social events. It is sometimes disguised as candy to encourage use in younger children. Kids also experiment with inhalants in the home, and may wrongly assume that they are harmless, whereas they can cause serious brain damage. Finally, there are a variety of date-rape drugs that can be placed in a drink without someone’s knowledge for the purpose of facilitating an unsolicited sexual act. This brief list is far from exhaustive.
What are the main reasons kids use drugs and alcohol? The Parent Tool Kit web site referenced at the end of our column indicates peer pressure, pop media influence, escape/self medication, boredom, rebellion, instant gratification, insecurity and misinformation as the top eight reasons. It is therefore crucial for us to be aware of “red flags,” indications that should alert parents that their teens may be involved in abusing substances.
Besides the well known dilated pupils and red eyes associated with drug use, we should also be on guard for various behavioral cues. In a recent article on the leading web site on addiction and recovery, The Fix, the author focuses on the red flags that should alert parents and teachers to potentially risky teen behavior.
It argues that risk-taking teens have a high drive to engage in exciting behaviors which release dopamine – the feel-good chemical in the body. They need to be engaged and focused to release this chemical. If you notice that your teen is bored, beware – it is important that this boredom is channeled into positive activities rather than drug-taking.
Secondly, how does your teen manage new situations? Of course, some anxiety is natural, but when it turns into chronic, extreme stress, beware that drugs or alcohol are an all-too-easy-to-obtain security blanket. It is also suggested that perfectionists and obsessive-compulsive people are prone to addictions. High personal expectations and the expectations of parents can contribute to stress and frustration. We should be careful not to accentuate these pressures, and make it absolutely clear to our children that they are unconditionally loved.
While we all know that moodiness is normal in adolescents, long lasting depression is not. Untreated depression and other mood disorders may lead to self-medication with drugs. It can work for a while… until it doesn’t. Neither do we know enough about the early use of drugs and their effects on the still-developing brain. Some researchers have argued that the age of twenty-one is a significant cut-off point in brain development, hence the legislation around the drinking age. More on that data is referenced in the links below.
Is your child socially isolated? Does she feel bullied, teased or ostracized? Of course, some children are more introverted than others. But it is important to differentiate personality traits from emotional disturbances. Social alienation is not normal and it is important for parents to be aware of a teen’s social life, pressures and frustrations before things get out of hand.
Encourage your child to express emotion. Express your own emotions in appropriate ways that can serve as a role model. If a child seems unable to express emotion, it may be a sign of trauma or a problem that needs professional attention. We would also add that sudden changes in behavior and aggression, either physical or verbal, should be monitored and could be related to drug use.
Of course we want to believe that we can trust our kids, but oftentimes we don’t know where they are or what they are doing. We may be sleeping when they come home. Maybe they send us a text, but sometimes we need to hear their voice or greet them on their return. They need us not to trust them blindly. That could be the one thing that makes them think twice before making a poor choice. It’s their safety net. And ours.
In the end, there are no strict guidelines about how to handle the topic of substance abuse with our children. Even professionals disagree about appropriate strategies.
For example, what do we say to our kids if they ask us about our past drug use or even our current use of alcohol. Should we share? And what do we think about a father who shares a beer with his teenage son while watching TV? Do we allow our kids to continue filling up their wine glass after Kiddush on Friday night? Truthfully, how many of our kids had their first drink at a very early age at synagogue during Purim or Simchat Torah? Not very easy questions to answer. What do you think?
Besides the web site The Fix, see the following sites on teens and drugs:
http://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/teen/substance-abuse/Pages/Drugs-of-Choice-for-Teens.aspx
http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/prescription-pills-teens
http://www.treatmentsolutions.com/five-of-the-most-common-drugs-used-by-teens/
http://theparenttoolkit.org/article/top-8-reasons-why-teens-try-alcohol-and-drugs
http://www.edinformatics.com/news/teenage_brains.htm
Tracey Shipley is an addiction counselor counseling teens, young adults and parents. She is also the founder of the Sobar alcohol free live music bar for teens and young adults. Write her at traceyshipley125@gmail.com.
Dr. Judith Posner is a social scientist, writer and researcher. Write her at judep@netvision.net.il.
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