So my colleague Judith Posner PHD and I have begun writing a monthly column for the Jerusalem Post which is being syndicated around the country and I believe has been picked up by other papers around the world. I am not surprised. It is an important subject and one relevant to so many. Here is the original unedited column part of which was published this weekend:
Communication 101: ACTIVE LISTENING
Sample column on teens and young adults
by Judith Posner and Tracey Shipley
“The most basic and powerful way to connect to another is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we can give each other is our attention.”
Rachel Naomi Remen
The issues surrounding raising teens and young adults are endless. Why is it so difficult to connect with our kids during the years when they need us the most? How is it that even the brightest, most popular and well-adjusted kids are potentially at risk if they do not receive the proper parental and societal guidance and support during the difficult years between adolescence and adulthood?
With these and other questions in mind, we embark on a journey with you, our readers, to share stories, strategies and suggestions that will help you to guide your children more effectively.
As the opening quote suggests, communication is the most critical factor in facilitating a child’s life journey. As parents, we need to take responsibility for the parent-child dialogue. But contrary to popular belief, this does not mean that we should dominate the conversation.
One of the criteria of good leadership is being a good listener. Sometimes it is much less important what you tell others than what they tell you, especially when it comes to our kids.
As we all know, actions speak louder than words. We often communicate more with our vocal pitch and tone, our body language and our eye contact than we do with our words. It is important to be aware of these non-verbal cues. As research in non-verbal communication tells us, we can stop giving messages, but we can never stop ‘giving them off.’
This brings us to the critical concept of active listening. While applicable to all kinds of relationships,active listening is particularly important in parent-child interactions and especially during the teenage years.
Listening is not the same as hearing. True listening means giving our full attention to someone. Sometimes we do this instinctively. But much of the time, we listen half-heartedly, semi-distracted by other people and a barrage of environmental stimuli. This is why it is important to schedule moments when we can give our undivided attention.
In active listening, we consciously work at the idea of paying close attention to what is being said, screening out background noise and other distractions. Active listening, sometimes called reflective or empathetic listening, may also involve mirroring back to our kids what we have just heard them say, in order to confirm that we are listening with our full attention and that we truly understand what has been expressed.
This does not imply that we necessarily agree with what they say, but rather that we are acknowledging our kids’ feelings and opinions, which is central to helping build their self-esteem and their readiness to share. It demonstrates our concern and respect: “I hear you saying that it is important to you to be allowed to stay out later in the evening like your friend Maya.”
One mother and daughter whom I recently counseled benefitted almost immediately after using this simple mirroring technique. This is what she had to say:
“When I learned about reflective listening years ago in a college psych course, I never imagined that it would become a lifesaver with regard to my most important relationship – my daughter. As a single parent of the only child still at home with me, the intensity of our relationship can sometimes be overwhelming. I find that each time I use this tool, my daughter is more relaxed and more open. This is reflected in her voice, her body language and her general lack of defensiveness. It is as if I give her the greatest gift in the world just by mirroring back her own feelings, as opposed to my more usual mother-knows-best advice”
It is especially important to pay attention to opening remarks. When we start a conversation with “You do….” or “When you do…”, they understandably turn off to us. Even worse is chronic labeling: “You ARE….”.
Another mistake in communication is the tendency to over generalize. “You always…” or “You never….”. The most effective way to open dialogue is by speaking in the first person, so that we take responsibility for our own feelings: “I feel scared when you come home late without calling. I wish you would call if you are running late,” or “I feel sad when you are not honest with me.”
It is critical to refrain from accusing and judging our kids. Accusatory tones do not foster self-esteem or trust and definitely do not facilitate contact and self-expression.
“As a child, I had a close relationship with my grandmother. When I went away to university it seemed natural that I would speak to her on the telephone from time to time as I did with my parents. But no matter how often I called her, it was never enough. And when I did call, her opening remarks were usually a criticism about how long it had been since I last called her. She was always counting! Not surprisingly, I started calling her less and less because it was not such a peasant experience. When I did eventually call, she scolded me in her usual fashion, “How come you never call!” So I finally told her, “That’s why.” It was like a bad Yiddish joke.
There are several obstacles to good listening.
The first is stress. It is important to avoid intense dialogues in the heat of the moment, such as pouncing on our kids when they walk in the door at the end of the day. As parents, we want to be as relaxed as possible before starting a serious conversation. Initiating important conversations when we are angry or exhausted is worse than fruitless. It escalates bad feelings all around. Besides, it is hard to give focused attention when we are stressed or distracted.
Second, it is crucial that we learn to shut down our own inner dialogue. Often we are so involved in planning our response that in the middle of hearing what our kids are sharing with us, we have already tuned out because we are too preoccupied with how we are going to respond.
Authentic dialogue is not a competition. Let your child finish an entire train of thought, then allow yourself a moment to digest what has been said before responding.
Another risk to successful parent-child dialogue is the parental tendency to give advice. There is nothing wrong with just listening to our kids’ self-expression or venting without any clear purpose or closure. We should never assume that our children are looking for advice or problem-solving unless they say so. This can be challenging because we have a normal tendency to want to fix things. It is better to ask them if they want our feedback or if they need anything specific from us.
A final useful tool is scheduling regular sessions for meaningful face-to-face discussions. Touching base with our kids in a private one-to-one can help us keep a ‘finger on the pulse’ of what is going on in their lives.
Resources
There are a vast number of articles and podcasts on the Internet dealing with active listening, especially in relationship to parenting skills. Just type parenting and active listening into your browser and you can hone your skills quickly and easily.
Finally, we leave you with the following:
The words listen and silent are constructed from the exact same letters!
Our next topic
Being proactive rather than reactive.
Let us know what you think!!
sobarjerusalem 