Toughloving our Kids

Toughloving Our Kids

“Toughlove”, the famous phrase first coined by Bill Milliken in his book Tough Love in 1968, is an expression used when someone treats another person firmly with the intent to help them to curtail negative behaviors. When raising kids, this tool is invaluable.

Your son comes home at 5 in the morning, spends the rest of the day in bed, won’t get up for school or work. Your daughter is out all night long, refuses to answer her phone, lies about staying at friends and comes home the next morning. Your son walks in with alcohol on his breath, denying that he was drinking, pushes past you and crashes till late the next day.  Your daughter gets ready to leave the house and you notice her dressed in a way that will attract much attention while she walks down the street.  You tell her to change her clothes and she refuses slamming the door as she walks right past you. Your son comes home looking stoned and reeking like pot.  You try to talk to him and he answers aggressively. You notice money missing from your wallet and no one had access to it but your son. You approach him and he denies it angrily and storms out of the house. What do you do?

Unfortunately, these stories are not out of a book or a movie. They are very real and more parents than not have dealt with similar situations in the past or are still dealing with them.  Most of us are able to give our kids the upbringing that we believe would allow our kids to flourish. We openly show affection toward them. We notice when they achieve meaningful goals. We encourage open communication and assure them that they can always turn to us. We show them that we love them unconditionally. So what happened?

So many factors are involved in the way our kids grow up and the choices they make. It is actually a combination of nature vs. nurture.  Some kids require very little intervention and simply know what’s best for them.  Some kids need to be watched like a hawk and still “fall into” or should we say “jump into” dangerous situations.  Through the years we have seen the most creative and intelligent of kids make the poorest decisions. It boggles our mind how they can have so much going for them yet be so willing to throw it away at the opportunity to walk on the edge and play with fire.  Many of these kids have been diagnosed with ADHD which accounts for some of the “playing with fire” choices. More on that in our next article. But this is only part of the issue if it is connected at all.

Where the need or desire to endanger themselves actually comes from can be explained in many ways and of course is different with each kid. But besides making sure that we are doing all of the things mentioned above to assure our child that he is loved and respected, we must “toughlove” our kids.

As we have mentioned before, our kids need breaks on their cars. They need us to say No and to be consistent so that they know the rules way ahead of time.  That doesn’t mean that they will always observe the rules but at least they know what the alternative is should they choose not to follow them.  Kids may “act out” for many reasons. The classic reason for “acting out” is to get our attention. How often have we seen a family with a sickly child or a child who excels in everything and the other sibling starts to “act out”? When this child begins to disobey his parents and stops playing by the rules suddenly all of the attention is focused on him.  Another syndrome is kids with a lack of self esteem who go out of their way to prove their theory right about themselves as being worthless and mess-ups. Self full filling prophesy if you may.

So now down to brass tacks.  What do we do to tough love our kids in an effective and respectable way.

Here are some important tools:

Communication. “Honey, I see you going out of your way to get my attention. Is there anything going on that you would like to share?” “If you don’t feel comfortable sharing with me is there someone else you feel safe sharing with? How can I help facilitate you being able to share your feelings with this person?” As we have shared in our previous columns, communicate with I messages. “I feel scared when you come home late and I don’t know where you are. I wish you would call me and let me know that you are safe and when I can expect you home.”

Contracts: Establishing set rules with your kids about when their curfew is, where they are allowed to stay over if not coming home, what needs to be done before they go out, who they are allowed to hang out with if there are friends you do not trust, what will the result be of coming home past curfew, what is expected of them if they are running late, what other accountabilities are there for failing to answer their phones, doing poorly at school, not doing their chores, etc.

Rewards:  It is easy for us to catch our kids doing bad as we have mentioned in previous columns.  Not only should we catch them doing good, we should establish positive rewards for their special efforts to do the right thing. What special privileges do they earn for sticking to the contract and making special efforts?

Alone time with you:  Don’t wait for problems to set in before giving attention to your kids.  As we mentioned above, they vie for our attention and often feel like they have to “act out” to get it. Before it all begins, designate a time each week where you hang out together.  The earlier you establish this the better. Already when they are tweens at the age of 10 they are in need of that special alone time with you if not even earlier.  An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure as we all know.  Why not apply it with our kids and enjoy it.   Initiate this weekly special time before you need to spend it in a principal’s office or worse.  The more time we spend alone with our kids the more we get to know them and what they need from us.  We are then more apt to notice when there is something wrong and we can more effectively nip it in the bud.

Consistency:  Kids need to know we are serious. No means no and yes means yes. Don’t change your mind.  It makes kids feel insecure.  Let them know from the start there is no bargaining. But at the same time don’t be quick to say no.  For every No try to give a few Yeses.  Let them feel that you truly want to make them happy and accommodate them and that when you do say No its for their benefit, not yours.

The Family Team: Make sure everyone in the family is on board.  When you come up with rules make sure that your partner/husband/wife is in agreement. Kids love to pit one parent against another.  This is never a good thing.  Let them know that you are both on the same page.  Also with other kids in the house.  Make sure that everyone knows the rules and understands they are for the well being of the family as a whole.

Good references:

Tough Love by Bill Milliken: http://www.amazon.com/Toughlove-Phyllis-York/dp/0553267833/ref=pd_sim_sbs_b_1?ie=UTF8&refRID=06JD6FGCAP8CWDV59V3R#reader_0553267833

Tough Love articles:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/8348938.stm

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/4939586/The-ultimate-betrayal-or-just-tough-love.html

Drugs, Alcohol and the Sobar

Drugs, Alcohol and the Sobar
We received several interesting responses to our recent substance abuse column (“Ignorance Is Never Bliss,” June 6). One in particular stands out because it raises some excellent questions that we think will be of interest to other readers.
Dear Judith and Tracey,
Your article about substance abuse in the Post was particularly relevant because I just had a discussion with my adult children (25 and 26) about marijuana use. They insist that marijuana is not as dangerous as made out to be (and should be legal), but more importantly, that they can take it responsibly without abusing it. Similar to alcohol, not everyone who drinks a beer once in a while becomes alcoholic. The idea is substance ABUSE. In fact, they claim that alcohol is much worse than marijuana because there are more fatalities and brain damage from alcohol. Here is a link they forwarded:
http://archive.saferchoice.org/content/view/24/53/
I should add that my children are university educated and highly successful adults who would take a marijuana snack once in a while just to “feel good.” They are not introverted, ostracized or obsessive.
My questions are the following:
1) Is marijuana addictive or poisonous to the system?
2) Can a person take marijuana reliably and responsibly like a glass of wine in the evening?
3) Is there scientific proof that marijuana use is bad and should be avoided at all costs?
Here is our response and further elaboration:
Your adult kids are basically correct. And they sound very responsible. Good for all of you that you are discussing the topic together and reading articles on line.
The idea that cannabis is less harmful than alcohol is also gaining more and more support from the establishment. Furthermore, most people who do lighter drugs DO NOT go on to heavier ones such as cocaine or heroin. In other words, the so called “gateway theory” about substance abuse has also been delegitimized.
Most people who try cannabis have also tried cigarettes and/or alcohol first, but we seldom hear anyone refer to beer or tobacco as a gateway drug. More importantly, there is no substantive research proving permanent brain damage from moderate cannabis use.
Finally, cannabis is not technically addictive, i.e., there is no physiological withdrawal. Coffee is known to be more addictive as anyone who goes cold turkey off caffeine will tell you. It precipitates edginess and irritability and headaches.
Similarly, more and more research indicates that cannabis is less harmful to the lungs than cigarette tobacco. Here is a link to research on this issue: http://blog.norml.org/2014/06/23/study-habitual-marijuana-smoking-not-associated-with-increased-risk-of-lung-cancer/
However, the question of cannabis use by adolescents up until the age of 21 and its effect on the brain is still controversial, because the younger brain is not fully formed. Furthermore, substance abuse can affect the ability to make safe choices while under the influence, whether it involves driving a car, a bike or just crossing the street. Teens have a tendency to believe that they are omnipotent and that nothing can happen to them. The introduction of an altered state substance to this tendency can be a recipe for disaster. All the more reason why drug education, information and family communication is mandatory!
It is also critically important to know why our kids are using substances. In Overeaters Anonymous there is an expression “It’s not what you eat, it’s what’s eating you.” The same applies to drug and alcohol abuse. If our kids are using mood altering chemicals as self-medication or to escape the stress of everyday life, it could indicate that there is a deeper issue that should be addressed.
If they are using because they are anxious, depressed or bored, they are more likely to develop an unhealthy/abusive connection to substances over time and could become drug dependent, even if they aren’t technically addicted. And in a few cases, even occasional use of substances can actually trigger a psychotic or schizophrenic tendency that has been previously latent. The trouble is that you can’t know this until after the fact.
Certainly, if a young teen is already diagnosed with a psychological problem, exposure to drugs and alcohol could be a risky business. There are definitely kids who can use drugs and alcohol on occasion with no negative effect on their daily lives. Not everyone is built to be an addict, but we need to be aware and proactive in educating ourselves about these issues, and be aware of the fact that even the most unlikely teen is likely to be exposed to drugs and alcohol at some point.
In light of the latter, it may be surprising to learn that cannabis and other substances such as ecstasy and LSD are being used in therapeutic settings, including here in Israel, to treat a wide range of serious psychiatric conditions including PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). But such treatments are only geared towards adults and are only undertaken in specific settings with highly trained professionals in the context of specific protocols. This is definitely not the same as a teen self-medicating on his own.
Which leads us back to the topic of what messages we want to relay to our kids. If our kids see us drinking responsibly, not excessively, this can serve as good role modeling. It’s also important to let our kids know that they don’t need to use drugs or alcohol to have a good time. Kids today are exposed to increasing peer and media pressure about drink and drugs. They are looking for more and more external stimulation. As we mentioned in our previous column, kids want “action.” They have a natural, inbuilt need to get their endorphins flowing. So how can we help them? Here’s an alternative:
SOBAR
The Sobar is an alcohol-free live music bar. With summer break upon us and plenty of visitors from abroad, there will be even larger nighttime gatherings of kids in downtown Jerusalem. Where can they go? Some manage to get into the bars illegally. Some buy bottles of booze and drink in the park and other public venues. Some gather at the numerous drop-in centers for kids around the city, but ultimately hit the streets.
Currently, there is a new collaboration with the Off the Wall Comedy Basement which hosts a weekly live, non-alcoholic music event featuring groups of local teen and young adult musicians. Kids are invited to perform with their bands, sing and play at the Open Mic, jam with friends or just come to enjoy the music and hang out.
The Sobar is looking to spread the word, recruit new talent and audiences. So far it has been a great success and we want to encourage the Jerusalem community to help support this pilot program and make it a permanent part of the teen scene. So please contact Tracey at sobarjerusalem@gmail.com if you or your kids want more information or want to get involved. Teens and young adults can join our Facebook page Sobar Jerusalem.

Tracey Shipley is an addiction counselor counseling teens, young adults and parents. She is also the founder of the Sobar alcohol-free live music bar for teens and young adults. Traceyshipley125@gmail.com.
Dr. Judith Posner is a social scientist, writer and researcher. judep@netvision.net.il

Attachment vs Enmeshment

Attachment vs. Enmeshment: The Other Side of the Coin
There is a popular expression about the parent-child relationship: “You are only as happy as your unhappiest child.” Is this true? And if it is true, is it a good thing? In other words, does it reflect a healthy relationship?
Our previous two columns focused on parental responsibility and the importance of good communication and proactive parenting – what we call healthy parental attachment. This column explores the other side of the coin; namely, what happens when parents are overly involved in their children’s lives? What are the implications for parents who exert too much control over their kids because they are over-identified with them and do not have healthy boundaries?
One of our greatest challenges as parents is to know what not to do for our children. In short, when we should back off. It is our nature as parents to want to jump in and catch our kids when they fall. But one of the wisest things we can do for our kids is to let them jump off the virtual balcony of the first floor and allow them to feel the pain of hitting the ground. If we are always there to catch them, they become a little bolder each time, and climb higher. By the time they reach the eighth floor, no net that we can provide will be strong enough to catch them.
The term enmeshment has been widely used in family therapy literature since the 1970’s. Salvador Minuchin introduced this concept to refer to families in which personal boundaries were so undifferentiated that a child could ultimately suffer to an extreme. Minuchin was the oldest child of Russian-Jewish immigrants, raised in a small Jewish community in rural Argentina. For a time, he also worked in Israel, where he established residential communities for mentally disturbed children. He spent most of his career in the States where he still resides.
While his original training was psychoanalytic in nature, he, like others of his generation, became increasingly interested in the family as a social system. He founded the discipline called Structural Family Therapy (SFT) which emphasizes the importance of working with the entire family when treating a problematic child.
Enmeshment, then, refers to families that exhibit signs of smothering, over-sharing and caring that reach beyond normal concern. Actually, it refers to any relationship in which personal boundaries are violated, unclear or dysfunctional. It can apply to couples, siblings, co-workers or friends. In enmeshed relationships there is a lack of clarity about where one person begins and the other ends. While enmeshment can sometimes look like intimacy or love due to the intensity of the attachment, it is actually the opposite. It is a form of engulfment and control which is disrespectful to others. Enmeshment between parent and child has the capacity to be as abusive as neglect. It diminishes the child’s sense of self and can annihilate their autonomy.
An enmeshed parent can be defined by the following criteria:
1. The parent is too identified with a child’s successes or failures. We are all familiar with the case of the soccer mom or dad who is overly invested in a child’s sports wins, or parents who force their children into artistic activities against their wishes. When a parent’s sense of self-worth is dependent on the performance of a child, we can know that something is terribly wrong. The same applies when children feel that their self-worth is wholly dependent upon their parent’s approval. In this case, children are raised to be “human doings” as opposed to “human beings.”
2. Parents put all of their energy into their child at the expense of looking after themselves. This principle is aptly illustrated in emergency airline regulations, which require you to put on your own oxygen mask before preparing your child. It is crucial for parents to have interests and a social life outside of the family unit. If they don’t, they are more likely to be overprotective, suffocating and intrusive. They will also be poor role models.
3. One of the most difficult features of healthy parenting is cultivating the ability to separate from your child’s pain. As early childhood experiences reveal, when a toddler falls and hurts himself, it is never helpful for a parent to get hysterical. Similarly, overreacting to troubling emotional issues in later years can be counterproductive and intensify the child’s lack of confidence. So here’s the rub: We want to be empathetic and show concern, but we do not want to react to our child’s pain as though it’s the end of the world. When we overprotect our kids by taking too much responsibility for their day-to-day lives, whether it be how they dress or their choice of friends, we are interfering with their sense of agency. This gives them the message that they are incapable of taking care of themselves. The healthy alternative is to be responsible to them, but not for them; meaning we should encourage discussion about options and provide them with tools of discernment that will enable them to make healthy choices. Then comes the hard part – sit back and let go.
Another challenging area for many parents is their desire for approval and acceptance by their children. Vying to be our kid’s friend shows an inappropriate understanding of respect and equality. The reality is that our kids have plenty of friends, but only one or two parents. They don’t need more friends; they need guidance from an adult. If it doesn’t come from us they will look for it elsewhere.
Parents who look for validation in their relationship with their kids and are too insecure to make demands are simply not doing their job. Of course, it is a scary thing to lose our kids’ approval, but we must always keep in mind the following cliché: “Sometimes you have to love your kid enough to let him hate you.” It is the risk we take to keep our kids safe.
Finally, enmeshed parents are frequently and inappropriately intrusive. This can occur on a physical as well as a psychological level. Not respecting the need for body modesty or entering a teen’s room without knocking is disrespectful. It gives kids the message that they do not exist as a separate physical entity.
There are a number of excellent videos on YouTube on the work of Salvador Minuchin. A wonderful essay about him and his work is available on-line at Psychotherapy Networker (psychotherapynetworker.org), called “Maestro in Consulting Room.”

Ignorance is Never Bliss

Ignorance is Never Bliss
Substance abuse, which includes prescription medicine, street drugs and alcohol is an important issue pertaining to the parenting of our children, regardless of age or social background. It is a risk pervading our society, and we need to be proactive in educating ourselves about the subject, kids and parents alike.
In many ways, drug education today is reminiscent of sex education decades ago. If kids don’t get the information at home, in the classroom or from another reliable source they will learn about it on the street. Such “disinformation” is extraordinarily dangerous, even life-threatening. It is our responsibility as parents to find out the real facts concerning so-called “recreational substances” and to share that information with each other and our children. What we don’t know CAN and WILL hurt us!
We understand that teens and young adults are subject to incredible pressures, perhaps more so than in previous generations. It is therefore especially important for us to be aware of the social influences in their lives. Obviously, the social and pop media play a huge part in their exposure to risky behaviors. While it is easy to blame the media for many of our societal ills, such as cyberspace bullying and other harmful phenomena, it is also important to acknowledge the important function of the Internet and mass media as a potential educational resource.
This is definitely true for the topic of substance abuse. The information is there, but it is often controversial, contradictory and confusing. It sometimes requires work and open-mindedness to separate fact from fiction. Horror stories and chat rooms are not sufficient. Drug education should be reliable, informative and non-alarmist, especially if we want to be taken seriously by our children.
The first thing we need to acknowledge is that drugs are not what they used to be. They are stronger, more diverse and more accessible. They are also more affordable. As has been the trend for decades, cannabis and alcohol are the teen’s top drugs of choice. This is well known. But when was the last time anyone checked on the non-illicit medications in their medicine cabinet?
In the US, for example, Sudafed, a common cold medication, had to be taken off the shelves and monitored due to its frequent use as a stimulant or in the making of Chrystal Methamphetamine, a drug that has hit the U.S. by storm.
Of course, alcohol, the drug of choice for adults, is the most readily available drug and it is usually the first mood-altering substance that kids experience. Here in Israel, two cheap and highly accessible drugs go by the names of Hagigat and Mr. Nice Guy. They are both synthetic drugs made and sold locally. In the past they were completely legal and could be purchased at kiosks. Today they are no longer legally sold in stores, but you can still see signs on street corners and graffiti on walls with contact phone numbers.
These drugs are both mild hallucinogens and may precipitate psychotic effects. Ecstasy, the infamous party drug, is a stimulant which is mostly used in clubs or large social events. It is sometimes disguised as candy to encourage use in younger children. Kids also experiment with inhalants in the home, and may wrongly assume that they are harmless, whereas they can cause serious brain damage. Finally, there are a variety of date-rape drugs that can be placed in a drink without someone’s knowledge for the purpose of facilitating an unsolicited sexual act. This brief list is far from exhaustive.
What are the main reasons kids use drugs and alcohol? The Parent Tool Kit web site referenced at the end of our column indicates peer pressure, pop media influence, escape/self medication, boredom, rebellion, instant gratification, insecurity and misinformation as the top eight reasons. It is therefore crucial for us to be aware of “red flags,” indications that should alert parents that their teens may be involved in abusing substances.
Besides the well known dilated pupils and red eyes associated with drug use, we should also be on guard for various behavioral cues. In a recent article on the leading web site on addiction and recovery, The Fix, the author focuses on the red flags that should alert parents and teachers to potentially risky teen behavior.
It argues that risk-taking teens have a high drive to engage in exciting behaviors which release dopamine – the feel-good chemical in the body. They need to be engaged and focused to release this chemical. If you notice that your teen is bored, beware – it is important that this boredom is channeled into positive activities rather than drug-taking.
Secondly, how does your teen manage new situations? Of course, some anxiety is natural, but when it turns into chronic, extreme stress, beware that drugs or alcohol are an all-too-easy-to-obtain security blanket. It is also suggested that perfectionists and obsessive-compulsive people are prone to addictions. High personal expectations and the expectations of parents can contribute to stress and frustration. We should be careful not to accentuate these pressures, and make it absolutely clear to our children that they are unconditionally loved.
While we all know that moodiness is normal in adolescents, long lasting depression is not. Untreated depression and other mood disorders may lead to self-medication with drugs. It can work for a while… until it doesn’t. Neither do we know enough about the early use of drugs and their effects on the still-developing brain. Some researchers have argued that the age of twenty-one is a significant cut-off point in brain development, hence the legislation around the drinking age. More on that data is referenced in the links below.
Is your child socially isolated? Does she feel bullied, teased or ostracized? Of course, some children are more introverted than others. But it is important to differentiate personality traits from emotional disturbances. Social alienation is not normal and it is important for parents to be aware of a teen’s social life, pressures and frustrations before things get out of hand.
Encourage your child to express emotion. Express your own emotions in appropriate ways that can serve as a role model. If a child seems unable to express emotion, it may be a sign of trauma or a problem that needs professional attention. We would also add that sudden changes in behavior and aggression, either physical or verbal, should be monitored and could be related to drug use.
Of course we want to believe that we can trust our kids, but oftentimes we don’t know where they are or what they are doing. We may be sleeping when they come home. Maybe they send us a text, but sometimes we need to hear their voice or greet them on their return. They need us not to trust them blindly. That could be the one thing that makes them think twice before making a poor choice. It’s their safety net. And ours.
In the end, there are no strict guidelines about how to handle the topic of substance abuse with our children. Even professionals disagree about appropriate strategies.
For example, what do we say to our kids if they ask us about our past drug use or even our current use of alcohol. Should we share? And what do we think about a father who shares a beer with his teenage son while watching TV? Do we allow our kids to continue filling up their wine glass after Kiddush on Friday night? Truthfully, how many of our kids had their first drink at a very early age at synagogue during Purim or Simchat Torah? Not very easy questions to answer. What do you think?
Besides the web site The Fix, see the following sites on teens and drugs:
http://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/teen/substance-abuse/Pages/Drugs-of-Choice-for-Teens.aspx
http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/prescription-pills-teens
http://www.treatmentsolutions.com/five-of-the-most-common-drugs-used-by-teens/
http://theparenttoolkit.org/article/top-8-reasons-why-teens-try-alcohol-and-drugs
http://www.edinformatics.com/news/teenage_brains.htm

Tracey Shipley is an addiction counselor counseling teens, young adults and parents. She is also the founder of the Sobar alcohol free live music bar for teens and young adults. Write her at traceyshipley125@gmail.com.
Dr. Judith Posner is a social scientist, writer and researcher. Write her at judep@netvision.net.il.

It’s not what you eat It’s what’s eating you

IT’S NOT WHAT YOU EAT ITS WHAT’S EATING YOU
We received several interesting responses to our recent substance abuse column (“Ignorance Is Never Bliss,” June 6). One in particular stands out because it raises some excellent questions that we think will be of interest to other readers.
Dear Judith and Tracey,
Your article about substance abuse in the Post was particularly relevant because I just had a discussion with my adult children (25 and 26) about marijuana use. They insist that marijuana is not as dangerous as made out to be (and should be legal), but more importantly, that they can take it responsibly without abusing it. Similar to alcohol, not everyone who drinks a beer once in a while becomes alcoholic. The idea is substance ABUSE. In fact, they claim that alcohol is much worse than marijuana because there are more fatalities and brain damage from alcohol. Here is a link they forwarded:
http://archive.saferchoice.org/content/view/24/53/
I should add that my children are university educated and highly successful adults who would take a marijuana snack once in a while just to “feel good.” They are not introverted, ostracized or obsessive.
My questions are the following:
1) Is marijuana addictive or poisonous to the system?
2) Can a person take marijuana reliably and responsibly like a glass of wine in the evening?
3) Is there scientific proof that marijuana use is bad and should be avoided at all costs?
Here is our response and further elaboration:
Your adult kids are basically correct. And they sound very responsible. Good for all of you that you are discussing the topic together and reading articles on line.
The idea that cannabis is less harmful than alcohol is also gaining more and more support from the establishment. Furthermore, most people who do lighter drugs DO NOT go on to heavier ones such as cocaine or heroin. In other words, the so called “gateway theory” about substance abuse has also been delegitimized.
Most people who try cannabis have also tried cigarettes and/or alcohol first, but we seldom hear anyone refer to beer or tobacco as a gateway drug. More importantly, there is no substantive research proving permanent brain damage from moderate cannabis use.
Finally, cannabis is not technically addictive, i.e., there is no physiological withdrawal. Coffee is known to be more addictive as anyone who goes cold turkey off caffeine will tell you. It precipitates edginess and irritability and headaches.
Similarly, more and more research indicates that cannabis is less harmful to the lungs than cigarette tobacco. Here is a link to research on this issue: http://blog.norml.org/2014/06/23/study-habitual-marijuana-smoking-not-associated-with-increased-risk-of-lung-cancer/
However, the question of cannabis use by adolescents up until the age of 21 and its effect on the brain is still controversial, because the younger brain is not fully formed. Furthermore, substance abuse can affect the ability to make safe choices while under the influence, whether it involves driving a car, a bike or just crossing the street. Teens have a tendency to believe that they are omnipotent and that nothing can happen to them. The introduction of an altered state substance to this tendency can be a recipe for disaster. All the more reason why drug education, information and family communication is mandatory!
It is also critically important to know why our kids are using substances. In Overeaters Anonymous there is an expression “It’s not what you eat, it’s what’s eating you.” The same applies to drug and alcohol abuse. If our kids are using mood altering chemicals as self-medication or to escape the stress of everyday life, it could indicate that there is a deeper issue that should be addressed.
If they are using because they are anxious, depressed or bored, they are more likely to develop an unhealthy/abusive connection to substances over time and could become drug dependent, even if they aren’t technically addicted. And in a few cases, even occasional use of substances can actually trigger a psychotic or schizophrenic tendency that has been previously latent. The trouble is that you can’t know this until after the fact.
Certainly, if a young teen is already diagnosed with a psychological problem, exposure to drugs and alcohol could be a risky business. There are definitely kids who can use drugs and alcohol on occasion with no negative effect on their daily lives. Not everyone is built to be an addict, but we need to be aware and proactive in educating ourselves about these issues, and be aware of the fact that even the most unlikely teen is likely to be exposed to drugs and alcohol at some point.
In light of the latter, it may be surprising to learn that cannabis and other substances such as ecstasy and LSD are being used in therapeutic settings, including here in Israel, to treat a wide range of serious psychiatric conditions including PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). But such treatments are only geared towards adults and are only undertaken in specific settings with highly trained professionals in the context of specific protocols. This is definitely not the same as a teen self-medicating on his own.
Which leads us back to the topic of what messages we want to relay to our kids. If our kids see us drinking responsibly, not excessively, this can serve as good role modeling. It’s also important to let our kids know that they don’t need to use drugs or alcohol to have a good time. Kids today are exposed to increasing peer and media pressure about drink and drugs. They are looking for more and more external stimulation. As we mentioned in our previous column, kids want “action.” They have a natural, inbuilt need to get their endorphins flowing. So how can we help them? Here’s an alternative:
SOBAR
The Sobar is an alcohol-free live music bar. With summer break upon us and plenty of visitors from abroad, there will be even larger nighttime gatherings of kids in downtown Jerusalem. Where can they go? Some manage to get into the bars illegally. Some buy bottles of booze and drink in the park and other public venues. Some gather at the numerous drop-in centers for kids around the city, but ultimately hit the streets.
Currently, there is a new collaboration with the Off the Wall Comedy Basement which hosts a weekly live, non-alcoholic music event featuring groups of local teen and young adult musicians. Kids are invited to perform with their bands, sing and play at the Open Mic, jam with friends or just come to enjoy the music and hang out.
The Sobar is looking to spread the word, recruit new talent and audiences. So far it has been a great success and we want to encourage the Jerusalem community to help support this pilot program and make it a permanent part of the teen scene. So please contact Tracey at sobarjerusalem@gmail.com if you or your kids want more information or want to get involved. Teens and young adults can join our Facebook page Sobar Jerusalem.

Tracey Shipley is an addiction counselor counseling teens, young adults and parents. She is also the founder of the Sobar alcohol-free live music bar for teens and young adults. Traceyshipley125@gmail.com.
Dr. Judith Posner is a social scientist, writer and researcher. judep@netvision.net.il

Teens and Sleep

Teens and Sleep: Perchance to Dream
“This generation of teenagers is probably the most sleep-deprived that the world has ever seen, and we don’t know what the repercussions will be,” says pediatrician Judith Owens, MD, director of sleep medicine at Children’s National Medical Center in Washington, D.C. “It’s not just a matter of what happens today or tomorrow, but 10, 20, 30 years down the line. What are we doing to our kids by not really enforcing sleep?”
Sleep is a topic relevant to everyone, but is an especially important issue in reference to teens. Teens are still in a period of rapid growth which can produce fatigue. Kids are increasingly falling asleep in class, at risk for driving accidents and affected in numerous negative ways due to sleep deficiency. According to American statistics some 80,00 traffic accidents occur annually as the result of falling asleep at the wheel. And half of these are teen drivers. Most sleep researchers suggest that teens need 9-10 hours of sleep a night. It may sound surprising, but they actually need more sleep than the average 8 or 9 year old, even though we doubt that there are many, if any, households where older children go to sleep before their younger siblings. But as parents know only too well, we are lucky if our teens get the 8 hours of sleep a night that is recommended for mature adults. Furthermore, as role models, many parents are probably doing a poor job themselves, since most of us do not get our recommended 7- 8 hours. While medical experts such as international natural health guru Andrew Weil unanimously agree that sufficient sleep is a cornerstone of good health, most of us fail to follow his regime. He and others note that there are just too many distractions in modern life. A very specific distraction in recent years is – you guessed it – the social media. The computer, smart phones and social media are difficult to monitor because they usually take place in a kid’s bedroom during the evening hours. Some hard-line experts actually recommend taking away technology in the evening – banishing computers, cell phones, TVs, and video games from a teen’s room. But most of us would consider this overly tough tactics. The lure of texting in particular tempts teens to stay awake when they should be sleeping. Ideally, screens should be shut off at least one hour before bedtime. The blue light from the screen stimulates teen brains and helps to keep them awake. What is worse, many teens refuse to turn off their cell phones at night because they are afraid of “missing” something. This means that even if they do go to bed at a reasonable hour, it is entirely possible that their sleep will be interrupted by an urgent phone call or an SMS. In fact, sleep interruption and fragmentation can be more problematic than the issue of total sleep hours, because such disturbances interfere with the natural sleep cycle. Very simply, the sleep cycle consists of two major states: REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep and non-REM sleep. The sleep cycle is of roughly 90 minutes duration, alternating between these two states of consciousness. Dreaming occurs during the REM state, and decades of sleep research have documented the importance of dreaming for our overall health and emotional stability. Unfortunately, interruptions in this sleep cycle and the use of medications, drugs and alcohol can limit or alter our REM sleep. All of us also have a natural sleep cycle or internal clock known to scientists as circadian rhythms. This internal clock regulates things like our body temperature and appetite, as well as our sleep cycles. In adults and children, normal circadian rhythms cause people to feel sleepy around 8 or 9 p.m. But as occurs with many other areas related to the body, puberty disrupts these patterns. As a result, many teenagers have an internal clock that keeps them wide awake until 11 p.m. or later. So the problem of nighttime teen sleep resistance actually has a physiological basis. This combined with a multitude of modern distractions means that millions of teenagers stay up late into the night despite early morning obligations. In fact, acknowledgement of this scientific fact has caused some schools in America to avoid early morning classes at both the high school and university level.
One tactic for encouraging teens to get their ZZZs is to inform them about some of the specific side effects of sleep deficiency. Sleep deprivation clearly effects our mental health, specifically concentration and memory. When it comes to exams, cramming may sometimes work, but we really need good REM sleep to remember what we have been studying for longer than a few days. Sleep deprivation also causes irritability and depression, and has very specific effects on our physical health including the way we look – a very important issue for teens. For example, acne is affected by sleep in several ways. Sleep deprivation encourages inflammation, insulin resistance and hormone flow. All of these factors predispose teens to facial blemishes. Furthermore, obesity is directly linked to sleep deficiency. When you are sleep deprived, your body decreases production of leptin, the hormone that tells your brain that you are satiated. Hence, appetite is increased. Too little sleep also impacts your levels of thyroid and stress hormones, which in turn can affect your memory, immune system, heart and metabolism, and much more. Over time, lack of sleep can even lead to high blood sugar levels and an increased risk of diabetes.
What is the moral of this story? Since we will all spend almost one third of our lives sleeping, it is just plain common sense that we learn something about it. According to the UCLA Sleep Disorders Center we are advised to inform teens about the significance of sleep. First and foremost, they need to understand that sleep is not a waste of time. Second, they must learn to appreciate the importance of the quality of sleep, and specifically the nature of the sleep cycle as it relates to dreaming. And while we are at it, why not talk to our kids about their dreams at the breakfast table? Freud tells us that “a dream uninterpreted is like an unread letter”. Discussing dreams is a great way to facilitate parent/child communication. And since many teen dreams are related to sex, this routine provides a useful opening to another important parenting topic. Stay tuned for our next column on teen sexuality.
Links HYPERLINK “sleepcenter.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=63″ sleepcenter.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=63 – The UCLA Sleep Disorders Center HYPERLINK ” http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-16964783″
http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-16964783 – A radical view on the nature and history of sleep
HYPERLINK “blog.ted.com/2013/06/11/the-neuroscience-of-sleep-russell-foster-at-tedglobal-2013/” blog.ted.com/2013/06/11/the-neuroscience-of-sleep-russell-foster-at-tedglobal-2013/ – A video on sleep
Tracey Shipley is an addiction counselor counseling teens, young adults and parents. She is also the founder of the Sobar alcohol free live music bar for teens and young adults. Traceyshipley125@gmail.com. Dr. Judith Posner is a social scientist, writer and researcher.

It Takes A Village

It takes a village

“The origin of the saying It takes a village to raise a child is a mystery.
Some people believe that the saying originated in an ancient African proverb; others believe it came from a Native American Tribe.

In 1996, Hillary Clinton made the phrase popular by using it as the title of her book which looks at the importance of the extended family in children’s lives. Clinton refers to studies which conclude that “… positive changes in behavior and attitudes are possible even after early childhood “if the older child or adolescent encounters new experiences and people who give meaning to one’s life and a reason for commitment and caring.” Regardless of its origin, the phrase is a truism with many facets and implications.

Throughout most of human history, families around the world have stayed living in the same location or the same village or city for generations. Children were born and raised in extended kin networks and communities, not nuclear families. This is even true throughout most of the modern era. Neither was there any such thing as a “latch key” kid until relatively recently. If mom or dad were unavailable, there were always aunts, uncles, grandparents and close friends nearby. Parents were never expected to be the only adults in kids’ lives. The early Israel kibbutz experiment of children’s houses is a relevant case in point. Traditionally, in every corner of the globe, children could always turn to any number of adults in close proximity for practical needs, advice and support. This is also reflected in specific kinship customs throughout the pre-modern world. For example, in many traditional cultures there is the prescribed custom of easy-going joking relationships between alternate generations, kids and grandparents. Similarly, in some African societies it is official protocol that aunts and uncles take responsibility for the sexual education of their siblings’ children at puberty. In contemporary society, especially in Israel which is comprised of immigrants who have oftentimes left behind their families, these options are not always available. In practical terms this means that additional pressure is placed on the isolated nuclear family. Add to this the spiraling divorce rate, and we can see how far we have come from providing children with a “village”.

In fact, this is part of the premise of the world-wide Big Brother/Big Sister programs which is considered the oldest, largest and most effective youth mentoring organization in the world. The Big Brothers Big Sisters of Israel (BBBS) is modeled after the veteran American Big Brothers Big Sisters organization. Little Brothers and Sisters are matched with dedicated, adult volunteers who meet with them weekly. Single parents are most likely to search out mentors, but even adolescents in two-parent families can benefit from mentor relationships. One day we are on the same page with our kids, communicating in the same language. The next day we feel like we are speaking in foreign tongues. But sometimes other parents or adults are able to de-code teen needs and feelings better than we can. We may feel sad or disappointed when our teens stop turning to us for help or sharing their concerns, but realistically speaking this is a natural enough event. Add to the mix the social media, and we should not be surprised to observe that teens are bound to turn more and more to peers and sometimes even to total strangers on-line. The truth of the matter is that many teens need, even crave older or adult mentors, grown-ups who know them, but are not necessarily related or invested in the nuclear family’s psychological baggage. Informal relationships between adolescents and parents’ friends or teachers can also serve as an important support system.

In the article EFFECTIVE MENTORING by Susan V Bosak, MA Chair of the Legacy Project reports:

“Research shows children need 4-6 involved, caring adults in their life to fully develop emotionally and socially. One of the challenges today is that children receive too much peer socialization and not enough contact with mature adults.”

Bosak continues: “Young people need someone with whom they can feel emotionally safe, and a mentor is often just that person.” Bosak also reports on research by Anthropologists William Kornblum and Terry Williams which followed 900 children in urban and rural poverty across the US, concluding that “the most significant factor” determining whether teenagers would end up on the corner or in a stable job was “the presence or absence of adult mentors.”

Practical issues aside, on a socio-emotional level why are extra-parental mentors so beneficial to kids? We can see the answer in how many times have we jumped on our kid’s behavior without realizing why they push our buttons. This can happen for two reasons. First, because we have an intimate history with our kids, we have tendency to see them in a particular repetitive light- “You always……..” Mentors can view our kids from a less jaded perspective. Second, as parents we may identify too closely with our children and may inappropriately project our own issues onto them. In Jungian terms, the “shadow” refers to the parts of ourselves that we prefer not to acknowledge. Debra Ford’s book “the Dark Side of the Light Chasers” speaks about the process of shadow projection in which we assign our own unconscious fears and anxieties onto our intimate others, such as close friends and family members… even our children. For example, if a mother has anxiety about her own body image, she might become overly critical of a daughter’s eating habits. Because we can easily become over identified with our developing adults, it may be useful for them to cultivate a relationship with an adult confidant who sees them from a more neutral perspective. Neither should parents feel threatened by the importance of a mentor in our teen’s life. It is not a competition. Our kids will appreciate us putting our parental egos at bay for their benefit. Likewise parents need to respect teen’s right to privacy, and unless it is life threatening we must allow them to keep their mentor relationship confidential.

Try an experiment. Make a list of 5-10 issues you have with your adolescent, anything from emotional outbursts and over eating to punctuality. Then go through this list and see which issues also apply to you. See any similarities? If we are not fully aware of our own “demons” we will be at risk of projecting them onto our kids. This is not to say that we should not call them on their challenging behaviors. However, only after we have done our own emotional homework and can separate our “stuff” from our kids’ “stuff “.

When we have our children we really have no idea what we are getting ourselves into. And while every age has its own challenges, the teen years are clearly the most challenging. If we can find a way to use our experiences with our adolescents to familiarize ourselves with our own issues this can be a win win for everyone. We can be better parents for our own kids and and help build a healthier village for everyone.
Links to “It takes a Village”, “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers” and the article EFFECTIVE MENTORING by Susan V Bosak, MA Chair of the Legacy Project
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/88631.It_Takes_a_Village
http://store.debbieford.com/product_info.php?products_id=9

http://www.legacyproject.org/guides/mentors.html

Tracey Shipley is an addiction counselor counseling teens, young adults and parents. She is also the founder of the Sobar alcohol free live music bar for teens and young adults. jerusalemteencounseling@gmail.com. http://teencounseling.netai.net. Dr. Judith Posner is a social scientist, writer and researcher. judep@netvision.net.il

Beyond the Birds and the Bees

Beyond the Birds and Bees: Sex and Teens
“Society has a double standard when it comes to sexuality. We have a puritanical taboo against talking about sexuality directly, yet we are fine with the sexual images that pervade television and glossy magazines.
We sexualize children in advertising by turning girls into objects that bear little resemblance to what young women actually look like. And we do this in movies where even animated characters take on curvaceous hips and big breasts.
But then when it comes to our kids having some kind of sexual identity, we freak out. That needs to stop.”
Rey Junco, “What’s the Big Deal About Sexting?”, CNN
(See link to article at the end of this column)
Under these circumstances what are we parents to do?
The “big talk” on the birds and the bees no longer applies. Contemporary culture exposes our children to a wide range of sexual imagery from an early age. Gone are the days when teenage boys hid copies of Playboy or Hustler under their mattresses. Anyone with a smart phone has access to an endless array of explicit sexual images. And given the pervasiveness of digital social media, parents need to be prepared to handle the subject sooner than later. Our emphasis needs to shift from the one-time big talk to a continuous conversation.
Joanne Zack is one of Israel’s leading experts in the field of adolescent sexuality and has been working in the area since 1981. Currently she is the professional director of the Open Door Counseling Centers which is an arm of the Israel Family Planning Association and part of a wider global network of family planning organizations. These centers offer counseling to adolescents and parents around the country. They train and monitor phone and internet counseling as well as more traditional face-to-face sessions. Zack points out that many teens prefer to get advice by internet or phone because this allows for greater anonymity.
The definition of adolescence has changed in recent years. It starts earlier and ends later. This is based on many factors, both sociological and physiological. Zack remarks with some regret that this is part of a global trend resulting in “the loss of childhood.”
We may be surprised to learn that the starting age of sexual experimentation here is the same as in many other modern countries, 15-16. Less is known about teen sexuality in the religious community. Young kids from the age of 14 are asking questions about sexual behavior that would probably shock us. But asking is better than not asking, because so many teens are misinformed about basic sexual information. For example, many teens believe that only sexual intercourse puts them at risk for STDs (sexually transmitted diseases). As parents we need to be certain that our children are getting the correct information about the risks of various sexual practices.
Of course, many of today’s sexual trends are directly related to portrayals in the mass media – television, movies, music, as well as pornography. It is also important for parents to be familiar with current social trends such as sexting. Sexting is the act of sending sexually explicit messages and photos through cell phones. Sexting can transform into a form of cyber-bullying and sexual harassment with disastrous results.
It’s important to make sure that our impulsive teens understand the implications of using the social media in this way. Once an image or text is sent they no longer have any control over where it goes and who sees it.
Lastly, we turn to the topic of sex education. In the secular school system, sex education is included in the curriculum of “Life Skills” programming. However, the actual content is left to individual school discretion so the reality is vague. In any event, Zack is emphatic about the fact that technical information about sexuality is not enough. We need to dialogue with our kids about healthy sexual attitudes and behaviors. As uncomfortable as this sometimes makes us feel, this job is ours as parents – not the school’s.
Besides, there is plenty of technical information available on the internet. It’s more important for us as parents to be more concerned with emotional and moral values. Clearly, this topic begins at home, at an early age, in the context of the family and the wider community.
Authentic sex education involves the messages that adults give about the body, self-esteem, physical touching, demonstration of affection and a myriad other behaviors and attitudes reflected in our daily life. Communication between parent and child about sexuality has to start before puberty, before the topic of sex is ever explicitly discussed. As Zack argues, “We are ‘giving off’ messages about sexuality all the time, without saying a word.”
For example, what message does a mother give to her teenage daughter when she obsesses over her own body or her weight? When a parent dresses in a sexually provocative manner, how does this affect a son or daughter? When a husband and wife do not show warmth or affection towards one another in front of the children, how is this perceived or interpreted?
So what’s a parent to do? Many parents feel understandably helpless against the barrage of sexual imagery, information and misinformation in the general culture. This situation is accentuated by the widening gap between physiological development, mass media information and the emotional/cognitive maturity of teens.
With this in mind, Zack emphasizes the importance of educating parents about the small and everyday ways we can approach the topic with our teens. We can look for random opportunities to raise sexually loaded issues and encourage our children to express their feelings.
For example, if we don’t like the way our girls dress when they go out, we can ask them whether they realize that their clothing may attract unwanted attention and open up a discussion about how to handle such situations. This may also lead our girls into a conversation about uncomfortable situations they have had in the past. If there is a story in the news about a rape or sexual molestation we can use this as an opportunity to start a conversation on the topic, encouraging them to share their viewpoints.
We can initiate discussions about magazine ads or billboards which are sexually provocative. If we are watching a movie with our kids and there is a sexual scene we can use the occasion to inquire about their attitudes or questions. If the lights are low in the television room this may make it easier to share. Similarly, Zack also mentions the car as a safe place for a difficult conversation about sexual matters because parent and child are not quite face to face.
At home, what is the etiquette of body modesty? How is it handled? How do the siblings handle bathroom routines and modesty between one another? Use your imagination, be creative but most importantly, don’t be afraid to raise the topic.
For those who are looking for a specifically Orthodox Jewish take on teens and sex there is finally a book on this topic. Talking About Intimacy and Sexuality: A Guide for Orthodox Jewish Parents by Dr. Yocheved Debow aims to do just this. It has been well-received as have her day-school curriculum programs, co-designed with Dr. Anna Woloski-Wruble, and is used both in Israel and the US.
Many thanks to Joanne Zack for her input. She is available for private counseling and group workshops or lectures on the topic of how to talk to your kids about sex.
Contact information: zackpak@gmail.com, 052-2315909
There are great resources on the internet dealing with this topic. Why not read some articles together with your teens:
http://edition.cnn.com/2014/05/21/opinion/junco-sexting-teenagers/ – “What’s the big deal about sexting”, by Rey Junco, CNN.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRJ_QfP2mhU – “Why I stopped watching porn” – A popular Ted Talk by Israeli gender scholar Ran Gavrieli about the negative effects of pornography
http://www.haaretz.com/news/features/news-flash-for-parents-your-kids-watch-porn.premium-1.472147 – “News flash for parents: Your kids watch porn” by Tamar Rotem, Haaretz (requires Premium membership)

Toughloving Our Kids

Toughloving Our Kids
“Toughlove”, the famous phrase first coined by Bill Milliken in his book Tough Love in 1968, is an expression used when someone treats another person firmly with the intent to help them to curtail negative behaviors. When raising kids, this tool is invaluable.
Your son comes home at 5 in the morning, spends the rest of the day in bed, won’t get up for school or work. Your daughter is out all night long, refuses to answer her phone, lies about staying at friends and comes home the next morning. Your son walks in with alcohol on his breath, denying that he was drinking, pushes past you and crashes till late the next day. Your daughter gets ready to leave the house and you notice her dressed in a way that will attract much attention while she walks down the street. You tell her to change her clothes and she refuses slamming the door as she walks right past you. Your son comes home looking stoned and reeking like pot. You try to talk to him and he answers aggressively. You notice money missing from your wallet and no one had access to it but your son. You approach him and he denies it angrily and storms out of the house. What do you do?
Unfortunately, these stories are not out of a book or a movie. They are very real and more parents than not have dealt with similar situations in the past or are still dealing with them. Most of us are able to give our kids the upbringing that we believe would allow our kids to flourish. We openly show affection toward them. We notice when they achieve meaningful goals. We encourage open communication and assure them that they can always turn to us. We show them that we love them unconditionally. So what happened?
So many factors are involved in the way our kids grow up and the choices they make. It is actually a combination of nature vs. nurture. Some kids require very little intervention and simply know what’s best for them. Some kids need to be watched like a hawk and still “fall into” or should we say “jump into” dangerous situations. Through the years we have seen the most creative and intelligent of kids make the poorest decisions. It boggles our mind how they can have so much going for them yet be so willing to throw it away at the opportunity to walk on the edge and play with fire. Many of these kids have been diagnosed with ADHD which accounts for some of the “playing with fire” choices. More on that in our next article. But this is only part of the issue if it is connected at all.
Where the need or desire to endanger themselves actually comes from can be explained in many ways and of course is different with each kid. But besides making sure that we are doing all of the things mentioned above to assure our child that he is loved and respected, we must “toughlove” our kids.
As we have mentioned before, our kids need breaks on their cars. They need us to say No and to be consistent so that they know the rules way ahead of time. That doesn’t mean that they will always observe the rules but at least they know what the alternative is should they choose not to follow them. Kids may “act out” for many reasons. The classic reason for “acting out” is to get our attention. How often have we seen a family with a sickly child or a child who excels in everything and the other sibling starts to “act out”? When this child begins to disobey his parents and stops playing by the rules suddenly all of the attention is focused on him. Another syndrome is kids with a lack of self esteem who go out of their way to prove their theory right about themselves as being worthless and mess-ups. Self full filling prophesy if you may.
So now down to brass tacks. What do we do to tough love our kids in an effective and respectable way.
Here are some important tools:
Communication. “Honey, I see you going out of your way to get my attention. Is there anything going on that you would like to share?” “If you don’t feel comfortable sharing with me is there someone else you feel safe sharing with? How can I help facilitate you being able to share your feelings with this person?” As we have shared in our previous columns, communicate with I messages. “I feel scared when you come home late and I don’t know where you are. I wish you would call me and let me know that you are safe and when I can expect you home.”
Contracts: Establishing set rules with your kids about when their curfew is, where they are allowed to stay over if not coming home, what needs to be done before they go out, who they are allowed to hang out with if there are friends you do not trust, what will the result be of coming home past curfew, what is expected of them if they are running late, what other accountabilities are there for failing to answer their phones, doing poorly at school, not doing their chores, etc.
Rewards: It is easy for us to catch our kids doing bad as we have mentioned in previous columns. Not only should we catch them doing good, we should establish positive rewards for their special efforts to do the right thing. What special privileges do they earn for sticking to the contract and making special efforts?
Alone time with you: Don’t wait for problems to set in before giving attention to your kids. As we mentioned above, they vie for our attention and often feel like they have to “act out” to get it. Before it all begins, designate a time each week where you hang out together. The earlier you establish this the better. Already when they are tweens at the age of 10 they are in need of that special alone time with you if not even earlier. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure as we all know. Why not apply it with our kids and enjoy it. Initiate this weekly special time before you need to spend it in a principal’s office or worse. The more time we spend alone with our kids the more we get to know them and what they need from us. We are then more apt to notice when there is something wrong and we can more effectively nip it in the bud.
Consistency: Kids need to know we are serious. No means no and yes means yes. Don’t change your mind. It makes kids feel insecure. Let them know from the start there is no bargaining. But at the same time don’t be quick to say no. For every No try to give a few Yeses. Let them feel that you truly want to make them happy and accommodate them and that when you do say No its for their benefit, not yours.
The Family Team: Make sure everyone in the family is on board. When you come up with rules make sure that your partner/husband/wife is in agreement. Kids love to pit one parent against another. This is never a good thing. Let them know that you are both on the same page. Also with other kids in the house. Make sure that everyone knows the rules and understands they are for the well being of the family as a whole.
Good references:
Tough Love by Bill Milliken: http://www.amazon.com/Toughlove-Phyllis-York/dp/0553267833/ref=pd_sim_sbs_b_1?ie=UTF8&refRID=06JD6FGCAP8CWDV59V3R#reader_0553267833
Tough Love articles:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/8348938.stm
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/4939586/The-ultimate-betrayal-or-just-tough-love.html

Proactive Parenting

Proactive Parenting by Judith Posner and Tracey Shipley Now that you have some tools for healthy communication with your teens/young adults, it is time to co-create a home environment that anticipates and prepares for crises. One of the biggest mistakes parents make is not paying sufficient attention to kids when everything is chugging along just fine. We all know that sooner or later something will go awry. It is better to be prepared to deal calmly with situations which arise, rather than succumb to the ebb and flow of crisis management. Naturally, it is the parent’s job to set some ground rules so that kids know what is expected of them. We would be remiss here not to mention the ground-breaking work of Alfred Adler, a Jewish/ Austrian medical doctor and a peer of Freud and Jung. He was the first psychiatrist in the modern era to do family therapy. His philosophy has given inspiration to contemporary parenting courses and support groups around the world. Adler’s emphasis was on developing a more collaborative model of parent-child relations, but one which also emphasizes the importance of structure and boundaries. He noted that many parents tend to be either too permissive, too autocratic or both simultaneously. They flip back and forth from one extreme to the other. Active Parenting is described as an “authoritative approach” which emphasizes family meetings and problem solving, the importance of encouragement and the significance of the “logical consequences of behavior.” This concept is especially important because it offers kids the opportunity to make real choices based on the consequences of their actions. Adler and his followers emphasize the important principle of privileges vs. responsibilities, instead of the more arcane notion of punishment – such as blanket “grounding” whenever a child does something inappropriate. There needs to be a direct correlation between the infraction and the assigned consequence. If there is a curfew infraction, the consequence is about curfew. If it is about over use of phone or computer, the consequence should be related to time limitations on media use. This method also deflects parental outbursts because parents will feel comfortable (entitled) in their responses, rather than angry. No surprises here. This brings us to the most important rule in active parenting: CONSISTENCY. Once you make a rule you should be very careful about changing it. It will save you a lot of breath and unnecessary energies. Better to have fewer rules and to stick to them. A second principle of active parenting involves the word NO. Contrary to popular belief, this is not a curse word. It is actually a hesed (kindness). Giving our kids too much freedom is like giving them a car without brakes. It can often be scary for them. They need structure, and hearing “No’ from us can actually be a relief. On the other hand, it is totally normal for teens to push the envelope. This is exactly why they need our help to define what is appropriate. By giving our kids boundaries and rules with consequences, we are empowering them to make better choices. And the earlier we start the better; tweens that are practiced in making choices will probably cause less family chaos in their teens and young adulthood. Pay it forward! In addition to assisting our kids in making better choices through appropriate consequences, positive reinforcement is crucial to self-esteem and confidence building, as well as a great motivator. It is just as important to stroke as it is to scold, sometimes even more so. It’s easy to notice when our kids mess up, but a big part of our job is also to notice when they don’t. “Catch your kids doing good!” One way to do this is with a star chart. This may seem childish, but it is amazing how well it can work, even with sophisticated teens. We don’t even have to say anything. Just put it on the refrigerator. “Wow, mom noticed that I did the dishes and cleaned my room.” It’s our responsibility to present them with opportunities to do good and to applaud them when they do. Another rule of thumb: for every criticism, give two compliments. It might be a stretch at times and take some creative thinking, but finding something positive to say will make them feel like winners. And aside from its importance for your children, you will be surprised to see how much better you feel about your kid when you are forced to focus on what they are doing right. Finally, one extremely effective tool for establishing good parent-child relations is a family or household contract. Such a contract should be based on natural and logical consequences a la Adler. Moreover, the most effective home contracts are written in collaboration. If kids are invested in the process they are more apt to stick by the contract. You would be surprised how often they come up with stricter consequences for infractions than their parents. Remember, you are not alone. Chances are other parents are going through the same thing and will be relieved to hear that they are not the only ones having a tough time. Look for a support group, speak to other parents and consult your kid’s school guidance counselor. Whatever you do, don’t suffer in silence. Educate yourself. Find a parenting class. Look on line for articles and books. For a really excellent blog on home contracts see http://voices.yahoo.com/keeping-teenager-accountable-home-behavior-3920690.html.