The Sobar Bands preparing for our fundraiser on April 27th

The Sobar Bands rehearsing for our fundraiser on April 27th.

The Sobar’s First Fundraiser on April 27th at Blaze Bar Jerusalem

On April 27th at 9:00pm the Sobar will be holding it’s first fundraising event. It will take place at Blaze Bar. Special guest, Sean Hurvitz, lead guitarist for Smash Mouth. 30 shekel donation. All donations above 100 shekels tax deductible.

Passover and Getting Our Inner Houses in Order

With Passover upon us and all of the time and energy we are spending on getting rid of our Hametz it’s the perfect time to look at other ways we can get our homes in order.  The idea of Hametz relating to not only food products but the excess in our lives allows us to view our yearly cleaning in a whole new light.  All year long we add more and more people and things into our lives.  We are often nondiscriminate in our choices and simply allow the clutter to take over.  Just like the bread in the oven we allow ourselves to inflate our egos and possessions not to mention relationships with those who actually hinder as opposed to enhance our growth.  Matza represents getting down to basics. Figuring out what you really need in your life to be happy, healthy and effective.

Stephen Covey’s well known book  “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” speaks about many important issues. Covey’s habits begin with Be Proactive. Next Begin with the end in mind, put first things first, think win-win, understand first in order to be understood, be effective as opposed to efficient (Synergize) and finally Sharpen the Saw (constantly renew yourself).

His first few habits focus on  the importance of delayed gratification. The most effective people are the ones who eat the cake first and the icing at the end. As in the marshmallow experiment, children who were offered 2 marshmallows if they waited 10 minutes to eat them were found years later to be more successful than the children who opted to get just one marshmallow and eat it right away. We all know that something gained quickly is usually lost quickly. Our last article focused on the ADD/ADHD child.  As we discussed, kids and adults with ADD/ADHD tend to need immediate gratification.  We can assist our kids in learning how to postpone their gratification by helping them to maintain a schedule that gets the challenging activities completed first so they can learn the value of postponing their gratification.

The key tools to assisting our kids to succeed in the present and in the future are organization and preparation.  Most kids feel secure when they have a set schedule. Kids benefit most when they come home from school and just like at school they have a routine.  A typical schedule contains everything our kids need to live a truly fulfilled life. The components include: physical exercise, healthy snacks and meals, creative outlets, completing tasks for school, home chores and good rest.  As Covey sites, save the icing for last! When kids know that once they complete their homework and chores the fun begins, chances are they will be motivated to getting those over with.  Include your kids in creating their schedule.  A typical schedule will look something like this: come home from school; eat a healthy snack; sit and do homework; complete household chores; spend 30 minutes exercising either in the house or outside; time for play/computer/TV.  Passive play such as computer and TV should be limited. Over an hour and a half is excessive.  It’s amazing what creative things kids come up with when the tube or computer is on the blink.

By now its dinner time.  For years in the US there was a PSA on TV encouraging families to eat a family meal at least twice a week.  What happens when everyone sits down together at the table? Of course this differs from family to family but one thing is for sure, if cell phones are off, there is face-to- face interactions.  Kids have the chance to share about their day or week and parents have a chance to listen.  After dinner everyone clears and cleans their plate and then a good practice is to have the kids prepare their lunch for the next day.  Finally, prepare everything else needed for the next day of school and then free time till bed.  Bed time should be regulated with kids of every age. At least 7 hours of sleep is recommended for everyone, kids in particular.  Some kids need more time to fall asleep.  These kids need to be in bed earlier to allow for their bodies to “chill out” enough for sleep. As we mentioned in our sleep article, computer and phone use before bed are stimulants and can affect their ability to fall asleep.

Continuing in the mode of preparation and organization is the practice of Weekly Family Meetings.  These family meetings at a scheduled time can circumvent reoccurring issues.  Each member of the family is asked to make a list during the week of all the issues they wish to deal with and they are all brought up at the weekly meeting.  Notes should be taken so that the solutions are remembered clearly.

The next tool is a Chore Chart. As we discussed in previous articles, setting up a clear chore chart for everyone in the family also creates a sense of calm and control in the home.  Everyone knows what is expected of them and as important as the chores themselves is the rewards and consequences for following or not following them.  The natural consequence for missing a chore is for an additional one to be added.  In reference to rewards, they can be as simple as an extra 15 minutes before bedtime, extra time on TV or computer or special time with mom or dad.  One effective addition is Most Improved Helper of the Week.  Once a week each kid is evaluated and the one who has made the most efforts and improved the most gets a special privilege.  Even choosing his favorite meal for Friday night dinner or family meal night can be enough for him to feel acknowledged.  Acknowledging our kids is as helpful for us as it is for them.  It is easy to lose perspective on our kids.  When we make sure to balance every complaint about our them with two positive affirmations  not only do they feel about themselves as a valuable member of the household, we do as well.

Enabling  vs disabling.  How does this fit into the picture?  Often we find ourselves doing for our kids things that they can easily do for themselves.  Classic for Jewish mothers, wanting to baby and spoil our kids, this often gives them the wrong impressions.  Covey speaks about a paradigm shift. Altering the way we view things and gives an extreme example in his book. We want our kids to feel empowered.  By us encouraging and even insisting that they take on daily tasks for themselves we are saying that we believe in them.  From a young age kids can make their own lunches for school.  It is up to us to make sure that there is healthy food in the house and even help them to get organized but soon they can handle this on their own. We have encountered older teens who still expect mom to pack their lunches. Sometimes parents feel that their teens are so in their own world unable to connect with the Mothership and making them lunches, cleaning their rooms, doing their laundry, searching for books and materials they need for school, etc. is a way to show we care.  Truth is, quality time with our kids is what makes them feel cared for and cared about. Empower your kids and don’t wait for the army to do it for you. By then it may be too late.

Coping With ADD/ADHD

Coping With ADD/ADHD

“ADD/ADHD  is called a ‘disorder’ for a reason…it ‘dis-orders’ things in one’s life…”

– Dr. Gabor Mate

Do you know people who always seem to be looking for chaos? They are consistently late, disorganized and stressed. Does it seem as though if they don’t find the chaos they are looking for that they actually create it? Does this sound like one of your teens or even you?

According to the excellent treatment of this topic in “Driven to Distraction” by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey, this tendency is a basic feature of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD/ADHD). In their ground-breaking book, Hallowell and Ratey discuss the troubling issues associated with this syndrome, including a vast range of symptoms such as underperformance at school, difficulties in developing and maintaining relationships, impulsive behaviors, short tempers, difficulty completing tasks and various other problematic behaviors.

Contrary to popular belief, ADD is not just about performance in school. It is about life skills and lifestyle in its totality. As these and other prominent writers in the field point out, ADD can even have a direct influence on high-risk behavioral tendencies such as substance abuse and other forms of acting out. As we already know, teens in general sometimes have a natural inclination towards impulsive or risky behaviors, so adding ADD to the mix can be especially lethal. As parents, it is essential that we familiarize ourselves with the issue.

Over the last decades, more and more cases of children, teens and adults have been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD. The former, Attention Deficit Disorder, emphasizes difficulty in focusing and completing tasks. This could be typified by a quiet child who is spacey or dreamy. The latter, Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, is associated with our more usual stereotype of an ADD child who bounces off walls, fidgets and has trouble sitting still.

Of course, both subsets exist on a continuum. So while teens with extreme cases of the disorder are usually clearly identifiable, those with more minor symptoms may escape diagnosis.  ADD/ADHD manifests itself in difficulty focusing in school and after-school activities, as well as problems with taking responsibility at home. Their rooms are a mess and their lives are disorganized; their thoughts tend to wander and race in all directions, making it hard to focus and follow through.

These characteristics can interfere with our kids’ motivation to move forward with the basic tasks of everyday life. They may have trouble following rules and frequently find themselves in trouble, or they become the class clown – trying to deflect attention away from their inability to function like other students.

Over the years, many such kids have been wrongly placed in Slow Learning Disability (SLD) classes due to a teacher’s inability to get them to behave in class. This stigma together with the affects of ADD/ADHD often sets these teens up for failure, increasingly affecting every aspect of their lives. The constant criticism these behaviors precipitate in us as parents and teachers causes these children to grow up feeling like failures and has a profound effect on their self-esteem – an essential theme which permeates all of our columns (see “The Importance of Building Self Esteem in our Children” at http://www.jerusalemteencounseling.net/article_08.html).

There are various opinions on the root causes of ADD, but as Dr. Gabor Mate, author of “Scattered: How Attention Deficit Disorder Originates and What You Can Do About It,” points out, it’s not only about genetics. Even though biology is an important element, Mate believes that these disorders are also acquired through challenging social and emotional environments. This means that as parents we can have a significant impact on how the condition manifests itself.

Mate uses a metaphor to describe this process: When a tree in a forest is overshadowed by bigger stronger trees, it gets neither the space nor the sunlight it needs to develop to its full potential.  How often do we observe siblings from the same household who experience their childhoods very differently? What can we do as parents to channel a child’s differentness more effectively?   Mate encourages us to shift our paradigm. Though these kids can be challenging, we have to find a way to avoid losing our patience with them while trying to help them overcome these challenges.

Most importantly, we must realize that kids with ADD/ADHD tend to be especially sensitive children. This sensitive nature can cause them to suffer and struggle more than other kids. On the other hand, with the right guidance, these kids can become the artists, musicians, inventors, and CEOs of the next generation. This is where we as parents can make the difference. Will their ADD/ADHD  become an  impossible obstacle, or something that we can help them to channel and even to celebrate. It’s all about attitude.

The issue of when to consider medical treatment for these syndromes is becoming increasingly controversial. The rates of diagnosis and drug treatment of ADD in children and teens has vastly increased in recent years. Many professionals argue that too many very young children are being over medicated for a litany of reasons including societal pressures to keep our kids in order and on task and the pressures of Big Pharma. This is a highly complicated issue that would require a lengthy discussion of its own. There is no doubt that stimulant medications such as Ritalin, Adderall and Concerta can have a profound effect on assisting youngsters and adults to focus and concentrate. And for teens who do not respond well to stimulant meds, non-stimulants such as Strattera or tricyclic can also be helpful. But as Mate and others emphasize, while medication is sometimes necessary, it is not the only way to go.  Long term use of these medications have their own drawbacks. So parents are required to undertake research and consultations with due diligence. As with most cognitive and emotional issues, medications alone never resolve problems without adjunct therapeutic strategies.

Another important issue is finding the right school and mentor, as your child’s educational environment occupies a bulk of his day. Alternative schools can provide a flexible environment which fosters creativity and differentness.  Whereas not every kid is capable of succeeding at a school like the Jerusalem Democratic School (http://jerusalemsudbury.com/) – where each student creates his own agenda and schedule with minimal basic requirements – in many cases creative kids find inspiration in alternative educational settings. The Experimental Schools (Batei Sefer Nisuiim) were created years ago based on the philosophy of principal Dr. Ganit Weinstein, who succeeded in creating an atmosphere conducive for learning for students in a low socio-economic area in Bat Yam. The school had open pod classrooms, hallways with couches, beanbags, colorfully painted walls, plants and soothing music. Each kid was treated as an individual and the results were astounding. In a school like Weinstein’s, kids who are different can thrive.

 

In addition to the points we have cited it’s crucial to also examine the effects of diet,       especially with regard to sugar and caffeine intake and the importance of regular physical exercise.  

See the resources below for more important information:

“Scattered” by Gabor Mate

(http://www.amazon.com/Scattered-Attention-Deficit-Disorder-Originates/dp/0452279631)

“Driven To Distraction” by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey

(http://www.amazon.com/Driven-Distraction-Revised-Recognizing-Attention/dp/0307743152)

“The Highly Sensitive Person” by Elaine Aron

“Education Reform: Making Education Work for All Children“ (http://www.adva.org/uploaded/edu-eng-2011-2.pdf)

“Best Books About ADD and ADHD” (http://www.goodreads.com/list/show/794.Best_books_about_ADD_and_ADHD)

http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/guide/adhd-medical-treatment

Tracey Shipley is an addiction counselor counseling teens, young adults and parents. She is also the founder of the Sobar alcohol free live music bar for teens and young adults. jerusalemteencounseling@gmail.com.  http://teencounseling.netai.net.

Dr. Judith Posner is a social scientist, writer and researcher. judep@netvision.net.il